Q.I feel lost. I broke up with my boyfriend of a few years a little while ago. We both still love each other, but we couldn’t manage to make a relationship function. We have very different personalities and struggled with communication since the start. It was a mutual breakup; we both realized that the relationship was not what we wanted. We want to stay friends in the long run.
I have come to terms with the fact that we were not working as a couple and it was both our faults. The issue is something deeper, though. I still have guilt because of my actions in the relationship.
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When we first started dating, I cheated on my boyfriend while extremely drunk. My friends had to tell me it happened because I didn’t remember a thing. I have never felt so horrible and disgusted with myself. I told my boyfriend, and he forgave me, and I thought we had moved on.
Fast-forward a year, and I spent a semester abroad in a different country. I still had problems controlling my drinking, and again I found myself cheating on my boyfriend while drunk. I couldn’t believe myself and felt incredibly guilty. I still do. Since then I have gained control of my drinking, and I have been focused on improving myself.
The thing is that I never told my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) that I cheated on him while abroad. Since then I feel I have become a different, more controlled, and more loyal person. I almost feel like it wasn’t me who cheated but my evil twin. I do eventually want to get back together with him once we work out our differences, but I can’t handle the guilt that I have for cheating on him. I struggle to sleep at night, and I feel like I need to tell him. I don’t know if this is the right approach at all or if I should just let it be. Help!
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CHEATING CHICK, Chicago
A.Leave this alone. Take it to a counselor. Take it to a friend. Please don’t call your already-ex-boyfriend and say, “By the way, do you want to know some more awful stuff about me?’’
Just assume that you both misbehaved during your relationship. Old information is pretty useless at this point.
My guess is that you want to reveal this stuff because you want the chance to say, “I’m loyal! I’m better!’’ You want to ensure that you’ll get back together and you figure that this dramatic confession - along with tales of your maturity - will make that happen.
My advice? Show, don’t tell. Don’t call him to read off a list of infidelities followed by a resume of awesome girlfriend traits that you now possess. Instead be his friend. If and when he calls, listen. See him at a party and watch him watch you control your behavior. And while you’re acting like a champ, get to know yourself all over again. Because maybe over time you’ll realize that you’d actually prefer to date someone new.
Your sleepless nights are about getting over a breakup. Give yourself a fresh start, and if you need to cry it out about what you did in your past life, tell a real friend. That’s what they’re for.
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MEREDITH
Listen. You don’t have an evil twin. You don’t even have “drunk you.’’ There is just you, and like all humans, sometimes you do things your are ashamed of. Getting drunk does not give you a free pass to do whatever you want despite what I had written on my college dorm room wall - “If I don’t remember it, it didn’t happen.’’ Take ownership of your actions and learn from them, which it sounds like you are doing.
MONTYY
Dont do that to him. If you end up getting back together, come clean then, but I hope that you don’t. I hope he finds someone who doesn’t use excuses to cheat on him.
JEPPERS07
If you really think you might get back together, then yes, tell him. If you are losing sleep over him not knowing now, it will only get worse if you get back together. It may not end well, and he may not be as forgiving; but he deserves the truth and you feel deceitful.
YGREN
Nothing good will come of confessing your sins to your ex. Meredith’s idea of going to a counselor is a good one. You clearly have a need to talk about it, but your ex is not the right person, at least not now.
HEMIRT
In AA, there’s a step where you discuss what you’ve done with the people you’ve hurt. But there’s a huge caveat: unless it would create greater harm. This is a situation where nothing is to be gained by telling him. You feel guilty. OK. Have you tried AA? That might be a suggestion. I don’t want you to continue to feel guilty - that does no one any good. I want you to learn from your actions, accept responsibility (and that doesn’t always mean go back to the other person, although much of the time it does).
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MALDENLADY
Come on, everyone. Obviously she should tell him so that he can become bitter, jaded, and learn the truth that all women are fundamentally and inherently dishonest and untrustworthy in all cases whatsoever, so that in the future he cheats on girlfriends before they can cheat on him. That’s obviously going to make this guy’s life much better.
BUTTERFLYZ
I think this is a case where it makes sense to think of what it would be like if the tables were reversed. You get a call. And guy you had issues with says, “Hey, I’m glad we’re pals. Oh, and by the way, I cheated on you way back when, but it was abroad and I was drunk, like I did when I was drunk but I was here? OK, see ya, bye.’’ See how weird that is? Yeah. Leave this one.
JESPAH
Leave him alone. Leave it alone. You need to focus on killing your evil twin and being someone you can be proud of.
HEYITHINK
Edited and reprinted from www.boston.com/loveletters. Meredith Goldstein can be reached at mgoldstein@globe.com. She chats online Wednesday at 1 p.m.
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