Thing tank

From wubbing to Prince Fielder in the buff

If it’s a trend, a clip, a comment, a moment, a meme, a tag, or a topic, it’s a thing. Thing Tank is a review of the week in things, and rates them either up or down.


Kansas City’s Schilitterbahn water park releases video of the first manned test of its 168-foot slide, Verrückt (translation: “insane”). It’s appropriately terrifying. Brave sliders will experience a thrilling 50-foot drop as their swimsuits experience a less-thrilling 50-foot rise.


A Brazil soccer fan cries as Germany scores against her team at a semifinal World Cup match as she watches the game on a live telecast in Belo Horizonte, Brazil, Tuesday, July 8, 2014. (AP Photo/Bruno Magalhaes)
Bruno Magalhaes/Associated press
A Brazil fan cried in Belo Horizonte, Brazil, as Germany scored.

I’m not trying to upset anyone by bringing up a certain recent World Cup game that ended in disaster and humiliation, OK? I’m merely pointing out that there’s a whole Tumblr of weeping Brazilians, should you care to look at such a thing.


FILE - This Nov. 16, 2013 file photo shows Jimmy Kimmel at the 4th Annual Variety's Power of Comedy Event in Los Angeles. Kimmel announced on Twitter that he welcomed a daughter Thursday, July 10, 2014, with wife Molly McNearny. A spokesman for Kimmel confirmed that Jane Kimmel was born Thursday in Los Angeles. The 46-year-old comedian also saw his late-night show earn three Emmy nominations Thursday morning, including a nod for outstanding variety series. (Richard Shotwell/Invision/AP, File)
Richard Shotwell/Invision/AP
Jimmy Kimmel.

In the pantheon of dances that should be forbidden (I’ve never forgotten you, lambada), wubbing will take a formidable post. We haven’t seen specialized gear like this (shorts equipped with a giant swinging Nerf-esque phallus) since Hammer pants. Please, Mr. Kimmel. Tell me it’s you.


ESPN Magazine Body Issue 2014 Prince Fielder cover -- 13ThingTank
ESPN Magazine Body Issue 2014 with Prince Fielder.


Twitter proved itself unready for the jelly of ample Texas Rangers first baseman Prince Fielder, who struck a nude pose for the cover of ESPN the Magazine’s annual “Body Issue.” If you walk in on your Uncle Carl voguing in the mirror, this is why.


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CIA tweets they have no idea where Tupac is. Man, what a cut-up that agency is! Glad it’s taking advantage of the chill time it probably has earned by now, and this text has not been altered before publication to say that.


Connor Franta.

The bad news is Connor Franta of YouTube superstar vlogger-boy-group O2L (Our 2nd Life) announces he is done making videos on the O2L channel, spawning the #weloveyouconnor tag. The good news is you are not alone. I have no idea what I’m talking about either.

Michael Andor Brodeur can be reached at Follow him on Twitter @MBrodeur.