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Thing Tank

From Arby’s novelty accounts to Kanye West

Kanye West at an impromptu gig in Armenia.Vahan Stepanyan/PAN/AP

If it’s a trend, a clip, a comment, a moment, a meme, a tag, or a topic, it’s a thing. Thing Tank is a review of the week in things, and rates them either up or down.

DARK MEAT

Samuel Beckett once noted that nothing is funnier than unhappiness – except maybe an emotional vacancy so barren that it can’t even sustain misery. Now that’s gold! On that note, enjoy the novelty Twitter account du jour, Nihilist Arby’s , which pairs withering acknowledgments of the meaninglessness of human existence and the inevitability of death with tempting treats from the Arby’s menu. (Example: “There’s no god so why not worship our smokehouse brisket? You’ll literally get the same results.”) The account has been cranking out existential chuckles since January, but like everything else, it will succumb, pathetically, to the cold, thoughtless swallow of the void. Nothing matters.

SLOW YOUR ROLL

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If you need a pick me up after that, check out the now-viral 90-year-old Welsh tortoise who had her little legs chewed off by rats – wait, that’s not the end of the story – and, thanks to the ingenuity of her owner’s son, now sports a pair of monster wheels. Mrs T’s story is an inspiring reminder that even when rats gnaw your legs off while you sleep, that special someone can always come along and epoxy a pair of toy plane tires to your sides if you just believe. (To be honest, I’m still figuring out what’s inspiring about this.)

DISTINGUISHED MEMBER

Whilst wandering the hallowed halls of the gay hookup app Grindr, a 21-year-old Fargo, N.D., man discovered that one potential paramour in his chat history (junk pic and all) was – get this – his very own consistently anti-gay state representative. I mean, just imagine! Crazy, right? Representative Randy Boehning, a.k.a. “Top Man!” on Grindr (hard to say which name plays worse in these circumstances), came clean to the media and even came out of the closet. His collection of hideous neckties, meanwhile, those are most likely still in there.

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OLD WEST

The next time you get mad at Kanye West for saying he’s awesome or saying Tidal is awesome or for just doing something legitimately rude and stupid, pop on the blissful hourlong, 27-track lost tape of early (i.e. 2001) Kanye beats. It’s a helpful refresher course in why we started paying attention to this dude in the first place: His beats are sick. It’s especially useful for the West-weary among us; you get all of the Kanye with none of the Kanye.


Michael Andor Brodeur can be reached at mbrodeur@globe.com. Follow him on Twitter @MBrodeur.