MIKEY DOES NOT LIKE IT
Vice President Mike Pence seemed to call an audible from the stands at Sunday’s Colts-49ers game, appearing (in both senses) to watch the game but suddenly ghosting from the stadium in a righteous (and seemingly soundly planned) huff, “because @POTUSand I will not dignify any event that disrespects our soldiers, our Flag, or our National Anthem” (minus every rally leading up to his tenure, I’m assuming). The taxpayer-funded protest was roundly ridiculed online, with 49ers safety Cam Inman carrying it a few yards further, calling Pence’s gesture “a PR stunt” and adding “this is about systemic oppression.” I mean, look, I’ve definitely shown up at parties just to make a point of leaving them, but I had no idea me and Veepers were pulling from the same playbook. (Intriguing . . .)
RICK & MORTIFYING
It became clear over the past week that Americans (specifically, youngish male ones who watch cartoons) would really prefer it if McDonald’s locations would keep a healthy (so to speak) supply of their ultra-limited Szechuan sauce on hand, so as to prevent the requisite riots and harassment of minimum-wage employees that would ensue should there be a sauce deficit — which, of course, there was. In a statement assuring furious would-be nugget-dippers that more Szechuan sauce was on the way, McDonald’s praised fans’ “amazing curiosity, passion, and energy,” which apparently stops short of a grocery store.
Jerboas, Frenchies, Seth Rogen — the Internet may be a cold, cruel place sometimes, but it remains fiercely protective of all things fuzzy and remotely adorable, even when the cute, furry things in question aren’t real. Take the case of porgs, the big-eyed, purse-size furball companions who appear briefly in the trailer for the next installment of the “Star Wars” saga, “The Last Jedi.” Scattered hateration aside (probably due to residual Jar-Jar trauma), the sudden surge in passion for porgs is well-captured in a tweet from one smitten/concerned fan: “If even one Porg dies, I will [expletive] burn the Star Wars franchise to the ground.” Still, one question about these mysterious critters remains: How are they with Szechuan sauce?
MASHER OF REALITY
Finally, since it’s getting close to Hallowe’en, allow me to freak you right out. Not to destabilize your world or anything, but as one advanced Londoner named Lawrence Miles pointed out on Twitter, none of us have ever actually heard the “Monster Mash.” We’ve only heard the popular Halloween carol of the same name — which is a song about the “Monster Mash.” Miles elaborates: “Bobby Pickett is a non-monster recalling an occasion when he heard monsters mashing. At best, his recording is only a rough approximation.” In other news, England apparently has amazing weed.
MICHAEL ANDOR BRODEURMichael Andor Brodeur can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow him on Twitter: @MBrodeur.