Movies

What the trailer looks like to someone who’s never seen ‘Star Wars’

This is Adam Driver from “Girls.” He also is a bad guy in “Star Wars.”
Industrial Light & Magic/Lucasfilm via AP
This is Adam Driver from “Girls.” He also is a bad guy in “Star Wars.”

You are reading a review of the new ‘Star Wars: The Last Jedi’ teaser trailer from someone who has never seen any of the films, or has much desire to. Click here to read a take from a guy really into “Star Wars.”

“Watch the Star Wars trailer,” says my boss, a “Star Wars” superfan. “It’ll be funny to see what someone who knows nothing about ‘Star Wars’ thinks.”

Let’s be clear: I don’t know “nothing” about “Star Wars.” I know boys over 35 get real excited about it. (In my life, it’s always the guys geeking out.) And I know a couple cultural references: Darth Vader is Luke’s father. Some fat guy once locked up Princess Leia once so boys could stare at her in a bikini. Light side/dark side, blah, blah, blah. I even know one deep-cut reference that I like to trot out regularly (”It’s a trap!” comes up more often than you think it would). But, yeah, that’s about it.

So here goes:

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Ominous music. Gasping Daisy Ridley (hey! I know who that is!).

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“Breathe. Just breathe.” Is this like a relaxation tape? Maybe I have been missing out on some Zen manual.

Zooming through the cockpit of some futuristic plane. “Light.” Is that Carrie Fisher? I hope that’s Carrie Fisher. She kind of has those Princess Leia buns.

Smoldering trash. Is that trash important? “Darkness.” Cue ominous music. Yeah, that trash has to mean something.

Lightsabers on a mountain. Ok, cool.

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“This Christmas” flashes on screen. Christmas, are you kidding me? Are we going to be talking about this all year?

Lots of planes flying across a Utah salt flat. Is that blood? Oh gross. This kind of looks like the recent “Mad Max.” I really liked that movie even though it gave me a two-hour-long panic attack. I would be very happy if Charlize Theron makes an appearance. Wait, are there characters like her in “Star Wars”? Because I just thought it was a bunch of dudes with light sabers and a Chewbacca.

Man in a space pod sleeping. Man and a robot running to a fighter jet. Big explosion. More explosions. This is not a Zen manual.

Daisy Ridley and her lightsaber. Adam Driver from “Girls” and his lightsaber, or some kind of fire-shooting device. He looks mean. Things are on fire. Did Adam Driver light them on fire?

“I only know one truth.” Enter bad guys.

“It’s time for the Jedi.” Oh cool, Jedis are good. Let’s get some more Jedis. “To end.” Whaaaat? Why would anyone want them to end? Aren’t they the good guys?

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Hey, who’s that silhouetted man in a hoodie? Is that Mark Hamill? Isn’t he supposed to be a good guy?

Are these the questions “Star Wars” fans have at the end of this trailer? Find out here.

Heather Ciras can be reached at heather.ciras@globe.com. Follow her on Twitter @heatherciras.