Dick Clark’s Primetime New Year’s Rockin’ Eve With Ryan Seacrest 2014 10 p.m., ABC
In this corner we have the only man capable of saying the title of this broadcast in a single breath, Ryan Seacrest. He will likely get all up in some famous grills with squeaky questions that he already knows the answers to, and once again, we will search his veneer for signs of aging. I’d suggest tuning in at 8 p.m for [inhale] “New Year’s Rockin’ Eve Presents the 30 Greatest Women in Music” which will . . . well, you get the idea. Then it’s a choose-your-own-lack-of-adventure between a stoner movie marathon on IFC (featuring two consecutive showings of “Half Baked”) and . . .
New Year’s Live With Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin
9 p.m., CNN
. . . Seacrest’s new nemeses. The red devil and the silver fox have been rolling out this FCC-egging blushfest for seven straight years, and it’s still good for a giggle — provided you pop that Ballatore nice and early in the evening. If you’re going to watch the ball drop, it’s worth doing it while Griffin tears apart some Kardashians. And if not, did I mention that stoner movie marathon on IFC? I did? (No, seriously, I did?)
Chik-Fil-A Bowl 8 p.m., ESPN
Surprisingly not a serving of vocally wholesome poultry.
The Walking Dead Marathon 9 a.m. Tuesday to 4 a.m. Friday, AMC
Surprisingly not a live feed of Times Square.
Grumpy Old Men 8 p.m., CMT
Surprisingly not about my New Year’s plans.