Q. I am a single woman living with a male roommate in a small apartment.
My parents, who are in their late 60s and live six hours away, seem to think it is perfectly fine to announce that they are visiting with one day’s notice. When they are bored, they just announce that they’re coming. If I say I have plans, they say “Drop them.”
After years of these visit bombs, including last-minute housecleaning and listening to hours of their daily fighting, I finally got them to stay in a hotel, but they insist on staying 45 minutes away to save a few dollars. So I drive out there, and they lay on a guilt trip.
I want to spend time with my aging parents, but the resentment and feeling of disrespect is so high that it seems I should just avoid them altogether.
A. The fact that your parents stay in a hotel is a huge step in the right direction. Not only are they not underfoot during their visit bombs, but you can escape their confines when things get too intense.
Avoiding them completely isn’t really an option because you say that you want to see them. Mix things up by doing an activity together instead of hanging around their hotel room.
If they start to criticize you or fight, you’ll have to be brave enough to say, “This visit isn’t working out. ”
Q. We have a small group of friends who get together at least once a month. One of the men in the group died during the winter. My husband and I went to the funeral, and sent a note expressing our condolences, etc., to his wife, who is also part of this group.
She will not speak to us because we haven’t called her since the funeral.
I have a business that is very busy in the spring months. My husband travels. But now we have been excluded from the last two gatherings of this group, and we were told that our friend was angry with us because we had not been in touch with her.
A. People handle death in different ways. Some people — like you and your husband — leave their condolences at the funeral and then hope life will pick up its normal rhythm as soon as possible.
But grief is tricky.
You are coping with this loss by throwing yourself into your other commitments. But one of your commitments should be to nurture your friendships.
Don’t expect your friend to give two hoots about how you are coping with this loss. You neglected her when you should have extended yourself. The only thing to do is to admit this and apologize, without offering excuses. They will all seem self-serving and hollow.