Q. I don’t want to be a crybaby, but I am very upset with my husband of 11 months. Prior to our marriage, he was very loving and sexual. We are seniors, and this relationship was everything I wanted. But since we got married, he hasn’t touched me. I am a little overweight, and I’m very self-conscious about it. When I try to get close to him and maybe have some togetherness, he says I am a sex maniac.
Recently, he got some Viagra, but he expected it would do everything. I explained that we have to do our share to stimulate the sexual feelings. He hasn’t taken any of it since then.
I feel I have tried everything, and am at my wits’ end. In the meantime, I am beginning to hate my body and feel that no one can love me. I have never felt that way before. I don’t want to run around on him; I want the man I married back. I hope you have some ideas for me.
A. You don’t say how senior you are, and whether or not you were overweight when you were courting. If you were slender until you married, and then somehow the pounds got packed on, that could send the message that “mission accomplished,” so what the hell? If you’ve always been the same weight, the sexual activity on his part was to close the deal.
I would suggest a weight loss program of some kind just because the self-image you have is not to your liking. This matter between you two (or three, meaning a counselor) definitely needs to be pursued and dealt with. As for what he expects Viagra to do — beyond the obvious — I would be most curious. Good luck getting this straightened out.
Q. I am a now single father looking for some assistance. Several months ago, my wife of 17 years asked for a divorce, and I recently learned she was three months pregnant by another man by the time the divorce went through. The question I am now facing is whether or not to tell my 17-year-old son that she left us to have another child.
After the divorce was final, my son spiraled into a depression and attempted suicide. (This was not entirely due to the divorce, though that was a factor.) He has undergone treatment and is currently on three types of medication and seeing a therapist. I’m still afraid that telling him his mother’s true motives might push him back into his downward spiral. Should I let him know why she left? And if so, what is the best way to do it?
A. I hope you can revise your own idea that your ex-wife left the marriage “to have another child.” She left because she fell in love with someone else, and then there was a pregnancy. I hope you will consult your son’s therapist (with his permission). My hunch is that the counselor will advise you and your ex to tell your son, together, about the developments . . . emphasizing that your marital difficulties and the subsequent pregnancy had nothing to do with your love for him. With luck, your son’s mother will step up to the plate and remain a mother to her teenager. I hope there are better days ahead.