Q. I was up in in Canada for New Year’s Eve and met a girl a little after midnight. We immediately hit it off and ended up going back to her place, but we both agreed to hold off on sleeping with each other. We were up until 6 a.m. just talking and getting to know each other. We definitely still connected physically and had a lot of chemistry and both agreed that we’ve never had this sort of synergy right off the bat before.
I recently got out of a long-term relationship (September) and she had one end last winter. I’m finally over my ex, so I don’t see this as an issue, but it’s still fairly recent. To complicate matters more, I’m planning on moving to Thailand in April to teach English there for 10 months. I was upfront with this woman about my plans and she said she would love to come and visit me.
I think we both realize that this is going to take a pretty strong commitment from the both of us. I get that she lives hours away, but at the same time, I’ve never felt this way about someone so quickly. I’m 27 and have been through three different long-term relationships in my life and dated several others; I’d like to think of myself as a seasoned veteran at this point. In the end, I want to settle down and get married at some point before I’m 30, but the singles scene has gotten a little old for me.
Am I crazy to try and make this happen? Do I give it a shot? I realize it was only a night, but this girl seems like she fits a lot of my criteria and that the stars aligned for us to meet that night. I don’t believe in fate, but this kind of makes me think that it’s possible . . .
Stars Aligned in Toronto,
A. It wasn’t fate, but you’re excited about this woman and that’s cool. It’s certainly worth seeing her again to check in on that “synergy.”
I find it interesting that despite wanting to get married within the next few years, you’ve planned a 10-month trip to Thailand. Do you really want to find a partner and settle down by 30? If so, how?
I’d spend the next few months crossing the Canadian border (not a euphemism) and thinking about where you want to be in life and how you can get there. I don’t object to Thailand — it would be a fantastic experience, I’m sure — but I have to wonder whether the trip was planned in haste after your recent breakup. You say that you’re finally over your ex. What do you want to do with yourself now that you’re in a better place? Please know that you can always change your mind.
If you want to make this work because your timeline is to settle down by 30, then by all means . . . force this to happen. That never leads to divorce. Why don’t you just wait until you meet the right person. If she is, then it’ll happen when it happens. I’ve been over the singles scene for a while, but I’ll take being single until I meet a great guy over settling for somebody because they’re there and not being happy any day. Good luck.
It was JUST one night. You’re infatuated, and she might — might — feel the same. But it’s a lot to ask her to hold a torch for you.
Go to Thailand. Teach English. If she shows up within the 10 months that you’re there, great. If not, deal with it when you get back.
This crush will wear off. But you should definitely go and visit her again to see what might happen. If you want to see if it will work, then just go for it. If it doesn’t work out, then it won’t work out but you have to go for it to figure that out for yourself. Have fun in Thailand.
Go to Thailand. Come back and see if the “synergy” is still there. If she visits, great.
You know why the Titanic was such a romantic movie? Because DiCaprio dies at the end before she gets a chance to find out that he snores, picks his nose, and leaves his dirty underwear lying around the house. You’ve spend all of one night with this woman. It’s easy to have one great night with someone when you are on vacation.
I have a little trepidation that the LW might not be completely over his ex and is using this experience to convince himself otherwise.
Pack your bags and head to Thailand. If she really is interested in you, she’ll make the trip. If not, that’s fine too. . . . As it happens, I’ve recently reconnected with a woman from Toronto I met at a conference four years ago. We talk once or twice a week and e-mail each other several times a week. I’ve invited her to join me on a business trip next month and she has agreed to do it. I don’t know where it is headed but I’m enjoying getting to know her. Point is, get to know this woman and don’t put time constraints on marriage. Explore and see if there is real chemistry. Get creative on how to spend time with her. It will either happen or not.
The fact that you’re 27 and haven’t tweaked the timeline is a little worrisome. Don’t try to fit a square peg in a round hole.
At 27, I was looking for ways to get out of getting married before I was 30.
I get a kick out of you being 27 and your “married by 30 plan.” You’re taking off for a year, so you’ll be back when you’re 28. . . . Your timeline is tight. Maybe you’ll meet a nice Thai lady?? Here’s the thing, lots of us “had plans” to meet the love of our life at 26, date for two years, get engaged for a year and be married the following year — at 30. Yaaaa, sometimes those plans don’t work out. You don’t get married because you turn 30 — you get married when you meet the love of your life, the stars align, everybody wants the same thing, timing works out, blah blah blah. Not as easy as it sounds — trust me.
This column and reader comments are edited and reprinted from www.boston.com/loveletters. Meredith Goldstein can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. She chats online Wednesdays at 1 p.m.