Q. My boyfriend and I have been together nine years, since freshman year of college, and have been friends since middle school. He knows me better than anyone and he can make me laugh like no one else. I have so much fun with him and we’re alike in so many ways — all the ones that are important to me (physically active, love dogs, very laid back). We have everything in common. (Yes, maybe a consequence of basically growing up together. I can’t imagine who I’d be without him.) But, he doesn’t want kids. In fact, he is vehemently against kids (reasons of time, money, relationship stress). We had discussed this in the past but I was almost positive I didn’t want kids either — until recently. I do.
Maybe he’ll change his mind, but I feel like I can’t really wait around and see. All I can do is go on what he’s saying now. It literally makes my heart hurt when I think about him not being around. I’ve been thinking about this for about a year and I don’t think I can hold it in much longer. But it feels awful to even write, never mind saying it out loud. I’d be crying if I wasn’t at work. I’m terrified, and I’m not even sure it would be the right decision. I don’t even know if I’d regret not having kids (i.e., staying with him). I used to not even want them! And how do you break up with someone you are still in love with?
Comments
If he truly loves you, he will give you what you want and need and have kids with you. It's as simple as that.
No. Not quite as simple as that. Raising children together shound not be a matter of giving in. I married young (22) and was on the fence about kids but leaning a little towards I'll probably be like most others and at some point want children; he knew that. He was leaning hard the other way; I knew that. As my mind changed I let him know....he was not shocked as I approached 30 that I was pretty certain that I wanted kids and he was, unsurprisingly to me still unsure. He told me to give him a year to think about it. When he finally agreed to have children I was not convinced that was what he really wanted. It was only after he said, "I am really at peace with this decision" that I really thought it was a good idea; he was going to be a willing partner in this adventure and leap of faith. That was over 17 years ago. Raising children has been and, not as they are adolecence, rewarding yet challenging. He has been a better father that I ever could have possibly imagined, patient thoughtful and, most importantly without regrets.
A marriage is more than about love, it is about communication, having joint goals, and willingness to make sacrifices, particularly if there are children involved. Having children with someone, to me is more of a commitment. Even if you divorce or never marry, there is a lifetime connection; for at least 18 years you end up dealing with that person on a regular basis. The child you have with them is a factor in all your future relationships as well as theirs. Your child's emotional well being is often connected in some way to that other parent whether they are present or absent in the child's life.
Children are like ice forming on cement; if it is a fairly seemless surface without cracks you're likely to do O.K. The more cracks there are the rougher it will be when the ice freezes there and causes more disruption. Talk to him. If he loves you, you will both figure out together what is best for each other. He would want you to regret not having children, you would not want him to be resentful about his life. He may feel older and more stable and would possibly consider it! He may not. It does not mean that you don't love each other if he does not want children. Good luck.
My wife and I were drawn together some 25 years ago because, in part, we mutually agreed that children would not be a part of our lives, at least not our own children (we're academics). The reasons were both philosophical (over-population) and personal: knowing that we were not going to have children made other things much clearer in our relationship: we were going to be a professional couple devoted to our careers, to self-fulfillment, to helping others, and to being best friends. Children were not going to come between us, to consume our lives, our relationship, become a crutch and a source of tremendous stress, and lead to the inevitable falling apart of our relationship. After all these years we believe our decision was absolutely the right one, we are still the best of friends and have a warm, loving relationship. At the same time, over the years our greater circle of friends and acquaintances form a battlefield of broken relationships, divorces, dysfunctional children, addictions, ad nauseum. We've known a number of women who, so desperate to procreate, found whatever willing male acquaintance around to have their child. This seemed so incredibly bizarre and irrational to us, and their attempts to raise a child as a single parent is truly tragic. We do not envy these people, we sympathize with their plight, and the only reason we can think of for making such decisions in today's world is biological, grounded in hormonal drives. It's unfortunate that women are so incapable of asserting better control over their biology, of channelling this energy to a higher good.