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Annie's Mailbox

Ask Amy column

Q. I am a 21-year-old female and I’ve been dating my 25-year-old boyfriend for over a year. It’s a very healthy relationship. We get along very well. We haven’t discussed marriage or children because we both feel we’re too young.

My parents raised me to be an extremely hard worker. They taught me to set goals and to achieve them. My parents taught me that I could do anything I wanted to, as long as I worked hard enough.

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With that mindset, I’m extremely successful. My parents are proud of me, my boyfriend is proud of me, and I am proud of me.

My boyfriend is not as goal-oriented as I am. He does not care to work hard to achieve his goals. In fact, he no longer sets goals. I’ve tried to talk to him about setting goals and achieving them, but he seems to think that his goals will not be met, and so he doesn’t set them.

I truly love him. However, his lack of drive is something that will be an issue if we decide to stay together.

I can’t change my views on working hard because it is extremely important to me. Can this issue be mended?

A. This can be mended, but only if you change. There is nothing “wrong” with operating as your boyfriend does. Not everyone is driven, a goal setter, and achievement-oriented.

You and your guy have very different temperaments. You two might be perfect complements to each other just as you are, except for the fact that you don’t want him to be the way he is. You want him to be the way you (and your parents) are.

The way to mend this would be for you to respect your differences.

Even though ultimately this might be very good for you as a person, you declare that you can’t do this (nor do you want to), and so for long-term success you’ll probably have to find someone else who is more like you.

Q. My spouse and I want to know:

Is it socially appropriate for two adults (married to each other and in their 50s and 60s) to sit on each other’s laps in a social gathering in a family member’s home?

At a recent birthday party for a young family member, my spouse’s stepmother decided to take a seat on her husband’s lap while he was seated on a breakfast stool. Hands were held and placed on knees/thighs in a relatively innocent manner; there was no additional kissing, groping, etc.

My spouse and I disagree on whether or not this was acceptable behavior for adults.

One of us thinks that it is a clear instance of a teenage-style “public display of affection,” and the other thinks that it was not a big deal because the two people involved were married adults and that there were only family members and close friends present at the time.

What is your opinion?

A. In a casual setting at a family member’s home, I think it’s fine — sweet, really. But is it “socially appropriate”? No. It’s also potentially chair-breaking behavior.

However, you ask about the propriety of these two older people sitting “on each other’s laps.” The man taking his turn sitting on the woman’s lap makes this much more interesting. I’m all for it.


Send questions by e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 North Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.

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