Q. I’m in a great long-term relationship. We have been together for three years and are both in our late 20s. Things are as close to perfect as a realistic relationship can get. My sex drive has always been higher than his, which has made me a little insecure, but I have accepted it and moved on.
Recently I found out that he is really into pornography that features busty women. I’m more on the slight to average size. When we talked about it, he basically told me that this body type turns him on. He said he only watches it when we haven’t been intimate in a few days, but that choice is always his. I felt like what he was saying was “When I don’t feel like being with you, I look at girls who actually turn me on.” I’m crushed. He always tells me how beautiful and sexy I am. He treats me so well and my friends and family love him. I truly felt like he was the one. Now I just feel like I’m going to fall short for the rest of my life and be not enough to really turn him on. I’ve always been insecure, but this is a whole new level.
I don’t want to leave him; I adore him. But I don’t want to stay and feel badly about my body.
A. “I felt like what he was saying was ‘When I don’t feel like being with you, I look at girls who actually turn me on.’ ”
But . . . that’s not what he said, right? That’s your take on the situation. In reality, your boyfriend explained that these women are a turn-on — but that he finds you sexy and beautiful.
We all know that I like the Robert Pattinsons of the world, 20-something guys with floppy hair who look good in pea coats, but I assure you that I have never dated anyone who looks like that. Meanwhile, I have been attracted to all of the men I’ve dated — especially the anti-Pattinsons. Most of us are turned on by more than one thing.
It’s also possible, whether he knows it or not, that your guy prefers pornography featuring women he wouldn’t want in real life. It’s a way to compartmentalize his fantasy world.
My guess is that this would bother you less if you had a better sex life. Talk to him about what you can do to make your physical relationship more interesting. Ask him what else turns him on — and tell him about your own preferences. If you can improve your real-life intimacy, these women (and their accessories) will become less important to both of you.
Relax. Your boyfriend is attracted to you and sounds like a good guy. You’re happy in the relationship. Sometimes, he looks at porn. The woman in the porn don’t look like you. No big deal.
Is your BF your exact physical type in every way that you have ever fantasized?
The porn isn’t the issue. The mismatch in sex drive is the issue.
boston. com/loveletters. Meredith Goldstein can be reached at email@example.com.