Q. I am recently married and frequently unhappy. My husband and I have been together for four years total, but married only since last summer. We’re in the middle of a relocation and I arrived six months before him.
Throughout our relationship there have been more downs than ups. I had hoped for so long that marriage would help us, and that it would provide much needed stability and comfort for him. Over time I’ve realized that my husband is just the type of person who isn’t and perhaps can’t be happy. In fact, I think he’s often really hampered by his own sense of entitlement, instead of noticing the good in the world.
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Here I am, six months into faux-singlehood and loving it. I manage my own time — I work, kayak, jog, explore, and make friends. I’m really loving it. With less than a month until my husband’s arrival, I know that I am having serious doubts about our relationship. I am so much happier without him around. I don’t want to go back to a life where I cook, clean, and provide a shoulder to lean on, while he gripes about everything in his life.
With less than a year of marriage under my belt, but quite a bit of certainty, what should I do?
A. I hate writing this, but yeah, it sounds like you guys got married for the wrong reasons. You thought that marriage would improve your troubled relationship, but that’s not how it works.
The ray of hope here is that you’ve both had six months to experience life on your own. You’ve had epiphanies about your relationship; maybe he’s had some too.
I want you to tell him what’s going on — that by the time you moved, you had become overwhelmed by the negativity, and that these six months on your own have taught you that you need a partner who’s excited about life. We’re all allowed to gripe, but there has to be a balance. Tell him you want to hear about the things that make him happy.
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After he arrives, try to include him in your new life. Show him where you kayak. Take him to a new restaurant. Give him the chance to get excited about this new place. Be a partner.
If after a few months it’s as bad as it ever was, you’ll have to talk to him about next steps and letting go. But please give the marriage a real shot first. Communicate your needs and take advantage of the change of scenery. You never said anything about loving him, but I assume you do — or did. He deserves to know why the grass is so much greener.
READERS RESPOND:
Maybe he’s enjoying life more without you as well.
Oh, I knew a couple like this. When it finally came time for the woman to make the move to where her new husband lived, she never did. They quietly divorced and returned the wedding gifts.
Marriage is a committment, it’s not a magic spell. Talk to him when he gets here. Tell him you’re unhappy. Maybe he’s unhappy too. Give this a chance — a new place, some counseling, some real conversations about what you both want out of this relationship.
Column is edited and reprinted from www.boston.com/loveletters. Meredith Goldstein can be reached at mgoldstein@globe.com.