Q. I have gone on about eight dates over approximately five weeks with a woman who is really nice, personable, etc. — someone I feel I could really be into. She has also made clear that she is into me.
The problem is that things are not progressing physically like I am used to. I am really trying to be patient, but we have only kissed, and she has made clear that because she has a test coming up, it likely would not progress farther for a month.
I am not used to this. We are in the phase of dating right now where I usually always want to make out with my new partner (even if she wants to move slow on the pajama parties) and she wants to make out with me. In this case, my date seems content to hang out for a couple of hours and then kiss at the door and say goodnight. It makes me feel like she has no desire for me.
When I have addressed the progression, she says that we have not spent enough time together. However, it’s her schedule that prevents this, and when I hang out with her on the weekend, her mother has always “conveniently” been over at her place “working” so we could not go there (I live a ways away and I have gone to her for every date), and she cuts the date short at like 10 p.m. It’s weird. She wants to see me, doesn’t think we spend enough time together, but when I devote an entire evening, she’s done early.
I guess my real question is: Is it wrong that I find this bizarre? Does this girl just consider me a nice companion? Is she someone with attachment issues? I know she has been up front about her “schedule,” but is it normal to want to find out about physical chemistry more than kisses at the door by this point?
Wanting More . . . Badly, NY
A.I don’t think that this woman has attachment issues. I think it’s fine that she’s sort of slow. But her pace suggests that she might not be the right match for you. Maybe. It’s sort of too soon to tell, and the test thing is throwing me off.
I’d wait out the test and then see what’s up. If she’s balancing school/work/family, these past five weeks might be a bit of a blur.
I don’t expect her to show up at your house naked as soon as the test is over, but I would hope that dates would get longer, conversation would get deeper, and that there’d be more physical contact even if it’s not overtly sexual. You should be getting closer — physically and emotionally. If that’s not happening after another few dates/weeks, you can write this one off.
Also, if she has a car, she should start coming to you. I don’t like that you’re doing all of the schlepping. Test aside, you shouldn’t be doing all the work. After eight or 10 dates, she should want to get a glimpse of your life.
What it boils down to is that you’re not happy with how things are going. You’ve only been on eight dates, so you might as well cut your losses. Good luck.
The only logical explanation is that she used to jump into the sack too soon and she’s overcorrecting.
Having a big test coming up might explain why she doesn’t want to stay out late. But it doesn’t explain why she wouldn’t at least want to share a passionate kiss in the car every once in a while. If this exam is all-consuming for her, then what does that say about her ability to balance priorities in her life in general?
I do not think she is taking it slow. You both are spending time to get to know each other. Instead of eating out or going over to her place, how about doing some activity together like hiking or biking? Also, have her come along when you get together with your friends, and vice versa. These are important in any sincere, long-term relationships, if that’s what you both are looking for.
Let me get this straight. You’ve been on eight dates over five weeks, none of which have last more than a few hours, all of which you’re traveled to her for, and there has been zero intimacy besides a quick kiss at the door? I dunno, letter writer. This does not sound like someone I would be investing much more time in.
The fact that she has her mother hanging around is extremely odd. How old are you? How old is she? Are you tweens?
I am reminded of the letter from someone a few months back who was in recovery from addiction and didn’t know the right time to tell someone she/he was dating. It sounds to me like this woman might be in recovery, whether addiction or mental illness or something like that, and is in a period where she is not supposed to develop a serious relationship.
You deserve someone who desires you back. Don’t invest any more weeks into this dead-end situation. Walk away. Do it now.
Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters. Meredith Goldstein can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.