Q. I have been separated for months and going through a very nasty divorce. I met a guy in September at a bar and it was the last thing I was looking for. When we talked on the phone days later, I told him what was happening with me and he told me he was in a very bad marriage himself. We have talked every day since then and have been out on a lot of dates.
We have so much in common and have a great time together. He treats me like no other guy has ever treated me. Our sex is incredible and so is everything else we share. We have both been very honest with each other, and every day I find myself falling harder and harder for this guy. He is still married and has given himself a timeline to reevaluate his marriage.
Please be honest and let me know if I am just wasting my time and setting myself up for heartbreak.
WHAT TO DO, SOUTH OF BOSTON
A. You’re going through a divorce and he’s reevaluating his marriage. Those are two very different things. You didn’t tell us whether he’s separated from his wife or just full-on cheating, but either way, this is too complicated to pursue.
If he really wants to think about his marriage, he needs to do that without you in the picture. And you need to protect yourself. It’s not about wasted time, it’s about avoiding someone else’s mess.
I know you’re falling for him, but this is too shady. Tell him that if he decides to be single for real, he knows where to find you.
I agree with Meredith — is he still living with his wife? Are they even separated? Doesn’t really sound like it, and if that’s the case, you are playing with fire.
To bad he isn’t as honest with his wife as you think he is with you!
In general, i’d say when you have an affair with a married man, you’re generally setting yourself up for heartbreak. Even if he DOES leave his wife, i vote you both take some time & learn to be single. Stand on your own.
You don’t mention if he is separated or just cheating. I am going out on a limb to say if he was separated — you would have mentioned that. This pretty much answers your question.
Leave him alone. Don’t jump from one relationship to “get serious” in another. Maybe you have been separated for a long time, but if you are still going through a nasty divorce, you have no business getting involved with someone else for a few months (after it is final) at least.
How about you ask his wife if she thinks you are wasting your time.
SOFTPATINAColumn and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters. Meredith Goldstein can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.