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Love Letters

Can she have sex with her ex?

Q. I have been in a relationship for about seven months. Both of us are in our mid-20s. Our relationship is a lot of fun and I can see definite long-term possibilities for us. I’m not ready to proclaim that this is the one, but I am certainly headed in that direction.

Here is the situation. A little while before I met my current boyfriend, I dated a different guy. Our relationship only lasted about three months. We fought constantly and the relationship was rocky except for the sex. We had the absolute best sex and we had it a lot. It was the only time we didn’t argue. We broke up because we both knew the relationship wasn’t going to work. In the time after our break up, we would get together every so often, maybe once every month or two, and have sex. These encounters were mutual and each one of us would initiate them at different times.

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My current relationship is headed to the exclusive stage. We have not had the official talk but I know he already is being exclusive. I have been getting serious and I fully want to be exclusive down the road. I also want to meet up with my ex for some more mind-blowing sex before “down the road” becomes now.

I love having sex with my current boyfriend. We have such a strong intimate connection. I don’t believe the pure physicality of sex with my ex ruins that nor does it take away from the fact that I only want to date my current boyfriend. I’m reasonably certain that my current boyfriend would not want me meeting up with my ex just for sex even though we are not officially exclusive. I just don’t see him taking it well. I am not the cheating type and I know I will give up my ex for my current guy.

How should I negotiate this situation?

Question in Cambridge

A. You should negotiate this situation by not having sex with your ex. Sorry.

You haven’t had an official talk with your current boyfriend about exclusivity, but it sounds like your commitment is implied. This wouldn’t be a cheat, but it would be a violation. Based on what you’ve told us about your new relationship, it just doesn’t seem like a risk worth taking. And I’m not convinced that the mind-blowing sex would feel as good now that you’re emotionally connected to someone else.

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“I know I will give up my ex for my current guy.” That’s your answer. If you want this relationship to evolve into something more, you have to start making a few sacrifices. Skipping sex with your ex seems like a good way to start.

Meredith

READERS RESPOND:

Rationalize however you want, you’d still be hurting your boyfriend, no matter what stories you make up in your head to make it okay.

LOIS-

When I read the title, I thought “Sure. Have sex with him. Some of my exes were great in bed. I’d probably have sex with them again.” Then I read that you’re in a relationship. Now my answer is “Sure. Have sex with him, if you want your current relationship, the one with the future, to end.” Actually, you probably should just end your current relationship if you’re willing to risk it for something that has no future. Good luck.

POWDERGIRL

Are you kidding me? There is no negotiation. There is no situation. Your boyfriend is not ok with you having mind-blowing sex with your ex boyfriend. A bunch of internet strangers are not going to give you permission to cheat.

KATEB

You’re either not totally into the new guy — or not over the ex. no idea which but until you figure it out, it’s fine to keep your options open, just make sure new guy is on the same page b/c if you’re getting some on the side, he should be allowed to as well.

LIVLOVEBLOG

My friend Ron used to say: “To get something you want, you have to give up something you have.” Letter writer, you have to decide if what you want (a real relationship) is worth giving up something you have (mind-blowing sex with the ex). By the way, there are NO exceptions to Ron’s rule.

JASPERSBUDDY

Yeah, I say go for it. It’s obvious that this is just an act to you, and you aren’t looking for a long-term connection anyway (if you were, this wouldn’t be a discussion). I say just sleep around and avoid the relationships . . . doesn’t really sound like your thing.

You are trying to get away on a technicality. When your current boyfriend eventually found out, you would play the ‘we weren’t OFFICIALLY exclusive’ card. You cannot have the mind-blowing sex with the ex and the relationship with your boyfriend. If neither on fills all your needs, it is time to find someone else.

JT2499

Fake letter. Nobody in Cambridge has this much sex.

CHICKENLITTLE

Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters. Meredith Goldstein can be reached at mgoldstein@globe.com.

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