Q. I was in a serious relationship for two years that ended this past April. We openly talked with our families about our future together — we discussed rings, marriage, children, and were planning on moving in together this fall. To me, the break up was very sudden because I was unable to recognize any of the warning signs. I was cordial and kind during the whole breakup, although he was crass, hurtful, and mean. He showed his true colors during a difficult time, which is something I cannot ignore. I kept my composure and was too nice to the man who completely shattered my heart.
Here we are about four months later, and he has been seeing someone for the past few months (ouch). Things were left very open. We explained that we hoped that our paths would cross again and that time needed to take its course. At this point, he utterly disgusts me. For someone to go from wanting to marry the “love of his life” to dating another person a month after a breakup is completely unfathomable to me and I feel betrayed. I have a whole message typed out on my phone that I am tempted to send to him. In the message I thank him for acting the way he did, the lessons he taught me, and explain my success and new outlook on life since the breakup. It also explains his heartless behavior, demeaning manner, and how I never want to be a part of his life again.
We have not communicated in over two months, but the question is: Do I continue my poised ladylike behavior and leave things as they are with him still thinking I believe he is Mr. Wonderful? Or do I let him know how I really feel about him at this point? Four Months Later, Boston
A. Don’t send the note.
I mean, if you’re desperate to get it off of your phone, send it to me, a friend, or a family member. We’ll read it and file it away. But please don’t share this rant with your ex.
It’s not about being a poised lady, it’s about preserving your sanity. Sending the note could make you feel much, much worse. What if he responds by saying horrible things? What if he doesn’t respond at all? There is no best-case scenario here. You’ll probably feel bad even if he responds with a lovely, understanding letter.
If your paths cross again, he’ll know what’s up. But for now, let him disappear. Enjoy your new outlook on life without letting him know the details. Draft folders exist for a reason. Meredith
You have a clear picture of what this relationship is going to be and what you want from it. There is no need to send a message to define it further. If anything, it will only feed the fire and make your recovery time even longer. Let it go. Doing so will allow you to move on more quickly than if you send a message.
Coming from a person who sent the long, droning-on e-mail that expressed everything to the man who broke my heart, DON’T DO IT! Trust me, DON’T DO IT! No outcome will make you feel better. DON’T DO IT!
I’ve been there too, MissMolly. Write it, get those thoughts and emotions off your chest, and then NEVER SEND IT! NEVER EVER! DORA79
Typing a note out on your phone is passive aggressive and childish. So no, don’t do that. Furthermore, things may have been “left open,” but in reality, that was just a nice way of saying “yeah, we’re done.” Face it, this guy broke your heart, and now you’re disgusted by him (your words, not mine), so why are you even wasting your time with a guy who clearly does NOT want to be with you for the long haul? SMASHATOMS4
Noooooo! Don’t send. “Don’t Cry Out Loud,” a song by Peter Allen, comes to mind . . . GONETOTHEDOGS39
Post it here :) I’m sure we’ll love it. But really, no, don’t send it. The pleasure you get from thinking you have stuck it to him will be fleeting, when he probably doesn’t even care, since he is sticking it to someone else. He’ll likely shrug, hit “delete,” think “wow, I dodged some crazy there,” and move on with his life. I suggest you take the same course of action. MABBITTY
Do you not own a computer? LOUISE-
So you just want to know if you should sink to his level? The answer is NO. It never hurts to take the high road. I especially don’t like the part where you say you want to brag about your newfound success. That’s kind of ugly. Stay upbeat in your own private world. HSMBS
You wrote very negative things about this man. You said he “utterly disgusts” you. So shut the door completely. Don’t engage in negative behavior just because you don’t like how he ended it. Use that as fodder for feeling grateful that this guy is out of your life for whatever reason. BKLYNMOM
Delete it from your phone, but first, write it down on a piece of paper. File it away in a drawer somewhere. In a few months read it. What you should feel is abject horror that you were going to send that note. ASH
What do you expect him to do? Congratulate you on your shiny new life? He doesn’t care. (Sorry to be harsh). Wrestle with a skunk, you smell like a skunk. VCWRITER
If you choose to disregard our advice, then go right ahead and send it. Know that he will probably show it to at least several people, including the new girl he’s dating, a co-worker or two, and some friends. So be prepared to live with the knowledge that your words are not just between the two of you. Twice in my life I have hit send on messages that my brain told me to delete. One simply said “Jerk” and the other said “Rude Much.” I then ignored the responses. The joy I got from those messages outweighed the knowledge that I was acting crazy. I also knew that I was 100 percent done and wasn’t using the messages to rekindle a broken relationship. Childish I know, but I guess I wanted the last word. I got it, and I have to tell you, it was marvelous. MONTYYColumn and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters. Lettters can be sent to Meredith.Gold