fb-pixelVacation with whiny teens needn’t be cause for concern - The Boston Globe Skip to main content

Vacation with whiny teens needn’t be cause for concern

Shutterstock

Q. Our family is going on a beach vacation at the end of the month. I’m dreading it. My kids are 11 and 15. They’re getting to the point where they want nothing to do with their parents, and my eldest actually told me she’d rather stay home (which was promptly vetoed). My 11-year-old has begun pretending that we don’t exist and recently asked us to drop her off around the corner from summer camp so her friends won’t see her getting out of the car. Yes, I know it’s the age, and they’re generally good kids, but still. I was hoping to spend the week unplugging and enjoying my family, but now I’m anticipating a weeklong sulk-fest. How can I make sure that everyone has fun?

Kara: If there’s a downside to our culture’s renewed focus on work-life balance and “unplugging,” it’s that we tend to build up vacations as Instagram-worthy fantasy worlds where families frolic together on bronze beaches, play board games in front of the fireplace, and spontaneously hug. All of which might happen — and, if so, wonderful! — but don’t ruin your actual vacation counting on it.

Advertisement



Yours is an issue of expectations. First, you’re expecting that your vacation will be horrible. You don’t know that. After a couple of days away from their day-to-day lives, your kids might adjust to their new, beachy habitat and enjoy time away from their routines.

David: Seriously, an 11- and 15-year-old are hardly going to do you the courtesy of being predictable. Spend less time anticipating the peril and remember that you often, maybe even usually, like these children. Taking them out of their comfort zone might shock them back into an earlier state. I know I revert at least a couple decades in maturity when I go visit my parents. Maybe they’ll fall back into earlier, established family roles, like a really tall 9 and 13.

Advertisement



Kara: Exactly! And this is more likely to happen if you give them some space instead of approaching the impending vacation like a hapless cruise ship director determined to pack everyone’s day with “fun!” Instead, consider this: At their age, the idea of being apart from friends and away from their all-important everyday worlds seems terrifying. What if something happens while they’re gone? Right now, fear of missing out is at an all-time high. Don’t take the resistance personally. For teens especially, their priorities are likely to be independence and social life, in that order. To depart from that agenda, even for a week, is terrifying for a teenager — akin to losing a piece of identity. So try to empathize instead of expecting the worst. Back away a bit, and they might surprise you.

David: If you do insist on having an agenda, give them a say in it. If you have a choice of two beaches or two restaurants or two shark-tank swims, let them make the call. Entertain their write-in votes. The nice thing about the beach is, it doesn’t really matter. It’s not like you’re picking between museums you’ll never get to visit again. Your goal is to relax and have fun, and you can do that any number of ways. Give them a little agency, reduce the tension, and get yourself a margarita. And make sure you give them the chance to try something new and disgusting while you’re there.

Advertisement



Kara: On the other hand, don’t pin your vacation enjoyment on their fun, either. Horrors: Maybe they will
sulk. Too bad. That doesn’t mean your trip is ruined; it means your kids are pouting. There’s no reason why you can’t enjoy yourself with a trashy novel while they’re texting, Snapchatting,
or doing whatever angsty teens do these days while trapped at the ocean with their parents.

David: Ab-so-lute-ly. You’re providing them a beach vacation. You can’t make them feel a certain way about it, and you pretty much guarantee a bad vacation by trying to manage their mood or by telling them how to respond. Maybe curling up in a ball of Goth rage and invented hardship is how they unwind. Obviously, you want to watch for real symptoms of a problem, but in general, you know your kid’s sulk level. Don’t use it as a measure of your vacation’s success.

Kara: Lastly, make sure that this really is a family vacation. You say they’re generally good kids, so treat them as such. Can you give them a couple nights free to roam on their own or the option to invite a friend for the day? At this age, kids want to feel independent; going on vacation as a family is a great, safe way to let them test out the feeling.


Send your parenting questions to parenting.globe@gmail.com.