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Q. I have a great girlfriend. Everything is awesome and we have talked about moving in together. She does have a lot of male friends. I don’t exactly love it, but I’m fine with her hanging out with them.
But there is one guy in particular who has always seemed more flirty. They also very briefly hooked up, before I was in the picture. I didn’t make it an issue because they almost never communicated anymore.
A few months ago, though, this male friend texted my girlfriend some explicit messages. She told me about them a little while later. Said it was out of the blue. She said she told him to stop and that he did. However, he keeps wanting to hang out with her. She says she should just do it and get it over with so that he sees nothing is there. I don’t want to be controlling, but I have a real issue with that. I’m OK with her other male friends, even ones she’s hooked up with in the past, but not this dude. What should I do?
A. I’m with you, letter writer. I don’t see why your girlfriend has to hang out with this guy to get him to leave her alone. If anything, she should be setting more boundaries.
It’s nice that you don’t want to be a controlling partner or to forbid your girlfriend from seeing people in her life, but you can — and should — let her know what rules and boundaries you set for yourself. Explain that while you can accept and appreciate having a partner who has male friends, you have trouble feeling good about your girlfriend seeing a guy who doesn’t respect her relationship. Can she understand why?
Talk to her about how this makes you feel, and ask her how she’d want you to handle this if the tables were turned. Maybe there’s a compromise (seeing him in a group, as a couple).
It might also help to understand her goals for this friendship. Does she want to keep him in her life, and if so, how? Maybe if you know what she’s looking for, you’ll feel better about her choices.
She’s either: 1) an idiot; 2) spineless; 3) a drama queen; or 4) looking to [sleep] with the guy. Are any of these traits you want in a partner?
I don’t doubt that she really feels this way, but why does she need to hang out with him to prove it to him? Doesn’t NOT hanging out with him send an even clearer message? Have you tried asking her why she thinks this way as opposed to just telling her you are against it?
Sounds like she also wants to make sure there is “nothing there between them”
Hold off on moving in together until this gets sorted out.
He shouldn’t have to let her know that there are “rules and boundaries” (which sounds terribly controlling). She should know that this is a guy she probably shouldn’t maintain a friendship with.
It’s on him to set his own boundaries so that her mess doesn’t become his mess.
I had a male friend that would send me explicit messages and we had never hooked up. My Now boyfriend did not like it. At first I did not see a problem with it. Then I put myself in his shoes. I now do not talk to the “Friend” anymore. If you feel uncomfortable tell your girlfriend and if she loves you, she will do what is best.
I’m just wondering if your girlfriend has any female friends? Or if she is the type who likes having a whole solar system of guys orbiting around her at all times. The bunch of guy friends she’s hooked up with? Red flag.
Her plan is to hang out with him to prove that they aren’t compatible? I’m not sure if that’s the best strategy. After a few drinks just about everyone is compatible.