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Love Letters

He wants ‘fun.’ This isn’t fun.

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Q. I met a man online 10 months ago. We ended up going on 10 dates in two weeks, but then I found out he was in an open relationship and had a girlfriend (it was public information on another dating app, yet he’d never told me). I was shocked and upset and told him I didn’t want to see him anymore. However, he wanted to stay friends, and I agreed. I wasn’t too emotionally attached at that point (we hadn’t slept together), and I’d really enjoyed his company. He also said he didn’t want to lose me from his life.

We ended up hanging out all of the time again, about four to five times a week, and grew closer. Fast forward a month and he ended his open relationship. We started making out and spending the night at each other’s places every week. Still no sex. I started growing more and more attached and we ended up sleeping together. It was amazing and I thought (stupidly) that perhaps we would get into a normal relationship after a few months of us basically acting like a couple in every way. I was, of course, wrong. He wasn’t looking for a relationship and we started arguing about the fact that he was going on dates and sleeping with other women.

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I was super jealous and upset. He became defensive and distant. He told me he just wanted “fun,” and I was heartbroken. We had a talk recently and decided that things needed to change in our weird “friendship,” and that we both want to remain friends. I love this guy and don’t want to lose him from my life, but don’t know what to do. It hurts so much to know that he cycles through so many different women. I really want to remain friends and see if I can let the hurt and pain go, but I don’t know if it is possible. What do you think?

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No fun

A. Friendship is a big deal. The word gets thrown around a lot, but calling someone a friend — a close friend — means that you know, like, and trust them.

When someone misleads you about their relationship status, they shouldn’t get to be your friend. In your case, you found out that this guy had a girlfriend, and instead of dropping him, you promoted him. You let him become a huge part of your life. He had not earned that position.

Once again, he’s proven to be someone who does what he wants, even when it puts the friendship at risk. You shouldn’t have assumed that the hookups meant you were in a committed relationship, but he should have considered your history together. He was careless.

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Drop the “friendship.” You only want him in your life because you’re still hoping for more.

Meredith

READERS RESPOND:

Why would you want to remain friends with someone that lied to you, and clearly doesn’t want what you want? Do you think you would be able to change him? Stop, just stop. HAPPYDAZED

Ten dates in two weeks and then hanging out four to five times a week while he is also “cycling” through other women? Who is this guy? Lance Armstrong? SUOMI

Amazing. Who has time for that? F7677

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Doesn’t sound like you are friends at all. You fell for him right away and clearly wanted something more. It sounds like you are desperate enough to settle for friendship just to keep him around. This will not work out well. EGERSIS

Sorry, but you don’t want his friendship any more than he wants a serious relationship with you. Your choice is to let it go and move on — or be a fool.

TRUTHFUL-POSTER

Hanging on for scraps isn’t a good plan. It will just hold you back from finding someone who actually wants to be with you.
JACQUISMITH

You don’t go on dating apps to make friends. You were on there to find someone to be in a monogamous relationship with, and he went on there to have sex. Leave now; this is not what you “signed up” for.

GRANNY02136

Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters. Send letters to meredith.goldstein@globe.com.