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Raising apples that fall far from the tree

Andrew Solomon found that it’s typically harder for parents to accept differences that they somehow feel responsible for.

Annie Leibovitz

Andrew Solomon found that it’s typically harder for parents to accept differences that they somehow feel responsible for.

Mother Nature must have known what she was doing with genetic inheritance, because parents clearly prefer to raise miniature versions of themselves. But what happens when the apple falls very far from the tree? Can parents still provide the same amount of nurturing and love?

That’s the question writer Andrew Solomon asked in his new best-selling book, “Far From the Tree.” I spoke to him about his interviews with more than 300 families with parents who were raising children with a physical or emotional disability such as deafness, Down syndrome, or autism, or with extreme intellectual gifts that transformed them into prodigies.

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I wanted to know what lessons he gleaned from these parents; what sorts of qualities helped them best navigate the differences between themselves and their offspring?

“It’s all about finding balance,” he told me. “Parents need to recognize their children for who they are but also do everything possible to enable them to become everything they’re supposed to be.”

That can be far tougher than it sounds.

“Acceptance is an important part of the process,” said Solomon, “and of course it helps if parents are kind and loving and secure enough in themselves to see their child as a separate person.”

Solomon found that it’s typically harder for parents to accept differences that they somehow feel responsible for — such as criminal behavior, transgender tendencies, or mental illnesses.

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But he also found that parents deal with their child’s differences in similar ways, trying to fix what they can before coming to terms with unchangeable parts of their child’s identity. As a gay man, Solomon wrote that he identified with the plight of children who are born deaf to hearing parents. Just as parents can now fix their child’s deafness with cochlear implant surgery, his own parents “would have gamely consented to a parallel early procedure to ensure that I would be straight,” he wrote.

But parents are perfectly justified in using medical technologies to cure their child’s deafness, Solomon said. “I don’t question any parent’s right to make that decision, but anytime you make a deficit go away, there’s always a loss in some part of the identity even if what you gain is enormous.”

The loneliness that comes with being different is an issue when children are unique. Parents raising child prodigies find themselves helping their child navigate the solitary aspects of their worlds just like parents raising dwarfs or transgender children.

“With child prodigies, many parents have to learn not to push so hard that they create a miserable relationship between their child and their child’s skill,” said Solomon. “It’s about helping children to have the happiest and least painful life.”

That usually involves trying to help them find like-minded friends so they don’t feel as lonely, and allowing them to determine how much they want to integrate a particular skill into their identity.

Solomon, who became a father while writing the book, told me he wasn’t scared off by the prospect of parenting after meeting so many families who were struggling to contend with their differences. “This is really a book about the incredible resilience of parenthood. If all of these families love all of these children despite all of these challenges, then surely I can love children of my own,” he said.

He learned that the experience of having a child who deviates in some way from a parent’s values or expectations is universal and that parents can develop stronger relationships with their children if they can move past their own disappointment.

“Parents often think at first that their child will snap out of it. Sometimes they can, and sometimes they really can’t.” Accepting when they can’t is the secret to having a strong relationship and bridging the differences.

Deborah Kotz can be reached at dkotz@globe.com. Follow her on Twitter @debkotz2.

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