Before you scoff at Tom Brady’s new asymmetrical fauxhawk, think of the hours of work that the New England Patriots quarterback put into the look he debuted on the red carpet at the Metropolitan Museum of Art Costume Institute gala Monday night.
The new ’do caused such a stir that it was reported on internationally. No less a fashion authority than TMZ quickly dubbed it the “pompa-hawk” (half pompadour, half fauxhawk).
To explain Brady’s unique new nest of hair, we offer a purely hypothetical account of the events that took place preceding the party. First, Brady planted himself in a stylist’s chair and the sides of his hair were carefully shorn. Then, that impressive Swiss Alp swirl on top of his head was likely achieved by a series of delicate snips and pre-planned measurements.
Brady’s hair was then very thickly pomaded. Now here’s the most important step: Brady left the salon, went home, and took a nap. When he awoke, there was a greasy stain on his pillow, and his bed head left the expertly crafted fauxhawk slanting to one side like a coiffure version of the leaning Tower of Pisa. Thus Brady arrived on the red carpet looking like a very suave Dr. Seuss creation.
Ridiculous or not, the Pats’ QB is still earning points with a certain supermodel.
“Would I counsel him to wear his hair like that to one of the most fashionable events in the country?” said Brian Boye, fashion and grooming director at Men’s Health. “Probably not, but he’s got Gisele on his arm, so whatever he’s doing is working.”
Brady’s hair has gone through more incarnations than Thor, but perhaps No. 12 should stick to a basic rule of thumb — stay away from any hairstyle that is long, resembles a teen heartthrob's, or requires copious amounts of product. And of course, a ponytail of any kind should never be allowed. Never. Even if it wasn’t a scrunchie that was pulling back his hair, that sad little Rio de Janeiro pony was still terrifying.
Can Brady bring the fauxhawk back into vogue? He is an influential gentleman, but we’re betting this time his influence can only go so far.
Christopher Muther can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow him on Twitter @Chris_