It’s embarrassing to be part of the Kate Baby Bump watch. But what’s true is true. The other night, when one of my children tried to talk to me about his fantasy football team, I instead attempted to suck him into mom’s dream world. “Does this look Photoshopped to you?” I asked, directing a middle-schooler’s attention to a picture of an allegedly pregnant Kate Middleton on the cover of Star magazine.
Here’s what I want to know (besides whether the princess is indeed carrying twins, as Star asserts): Why do I care? It’s not as if I’m expecting an Evite to the baby shower, although it sure would be fun, Camilla and me, gushing over Kate’s new baby-wipes warmer, and that adorable set of 12 Disney princess board books ($9.02 on Amazon), as Pippa dutifully jotted down names for thank-you-note purposes.
Kate hasn’t even kicked off her first maternity-dress frenzy, and I can’t stop thinking about all she has ahead of her as a new mom: the dilemma over whether to make Prince Harry the baby’s godfather; the hours she’ll spend watching “Ellen” while asking herself what she’s doing with her life; the inevitable breast-feeding guilt; the silent duels with Will, as each pretends not to smell the baby’s dirty nappy; the parenting quandries — to let the future king or queen of England cry it out at night, or to rush into the royal nursery?
There’s just so much to think about: Will Kate instantly shed the five pounds she gained during the pregnancy, as the public demands, or will she discover that mashed Gerber bananas taste pretty nice with a side of Trader Joe’s vanilla ice cream and a bar of chocolate?
But wait — I’m getting ahead of things. Here I am contemplating Royal milestones — at 2 years, the baby should be able to cut a ceremonial ribbon; at 3 years, he should be able to urge subjects to be brave and carry on — when Kate hasn’t even been captured on camera secretly buying a copy of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting the Heir to the British Throne (Even if You’re Not Yet Pregnant).”