Let me start by being fair. The NFL has made a big effort to explain its new safety-minded stadium bag policy, and has devoted an entire section on its website, www.nfl.com/allclear, to outline exactly what makes a bag “NFL-compliant.”
So here’s what I do know: Women’s clutches and Ziploc freezer bags are OK; Juicy Couture totes and Hello Kitty backpacks are not.
And yet, weeks into the new policy, I, and other fans, still feel crucial questions have not been addressed. Among them:
Q. I’ve become accustomed to carrying all of my belongings with me at all times. All of them. You never know when you’re going to need four combs, or an economy-size bottle of sunblock during a night game in November. Can I claim my knock-off Coach satchel as an “emotional support” or “comfort” bag and take it in with me?
Q. I have two able-bodied sons who are huge football fans! They love playing and love watching. But here’s the problem. As a helicopter parent, I have raised them to consider me their own personal, mobile trash can (not to boast or anything, but they would cross a desert to hand me their used chewing gum). If I don’t have a large enough bag with me, how are they to dispose of things at the game?
Q. Is this a plot by the plastic bag manufacturers? Is Ziploc sponsoring the policy? Or am I to believe that it’s mere coincidence that as the use of plastic bags is being discouraged for school lunches — for environmental reasons — they’re becoming almost mandatory at airports, and now, football stadiums. Where’s next? My mother-in-law’s house?
Q. Can I use the new bag policy as a way to avoid accompanying my husband to a game that’s being played in the rain in 35-degree weather?
Q. Is clear the new black?