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Dave Barry’s 2014 in review: Goodbye and good riddance

The buffoons, shenanigans, and inanity of yet another miserable year.

Ward Sutton

It was a year of mysteries. To list some of the more baffling ones:

> A huge airliner simply vanished in March, and to this day nobody has any idea what happened to it, despite literally thousands of hours of intensive speculation on CNN.

> An intruder jumped the White House fence and, inexplicably, managed to run into the White House through the unlocked front door. Most of us had assumed that anybody attempting this would instantly be converted to a bullet-ridden pile of smoking carbon by snipers, lasers, drones, ninjas, etc., but it turned out that, for some mysterious reason, the White House had effectively the same level of anti-penetration security as a Dunkin’ Donuts.

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> LeBron James deliberately moved to Cleveland.

Of course, not everything that happened in 2014 was mysterious. Some developments — ISIS, Ebola, the song “Happy” — were simply bad.

There was even some good news in 2014, mostly in the form of things that did not happen. A number of GM cars — the final total could be as high as four — were not recalled. There were several whole days during which no statements had to be issued by the US Department of Explaining What the Vice President Meant to Say. And for the fifth consecutive year, the Yankees failed to even play in the World Series.

But other than that, it was a miserable 12 months. In case you have forgotten why, let’s take one last look back.

JANUARY

The nation is invaded by the Polar Vortex, which blasts in from Canada, bringing with it heavy snows, record low temperatures, and Justin Bieber, who penetrates as far south as Miami before being arrested for driving a Lamborghini drunk.

In Colorado, the new year begins on a high note as the sale of recreational marijuana becomes legal. Despite dire predictions from critics that this will lead to increases in crime and addiction, state law-enforcement officials report that if you stare for a while at the flashing lights on top of their cars, you can see some amazing colors.

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The US Senate confirms Janet Yellen as chairwoman of the Federal Reserve after she assures lawmakers that she will let them know if anybody ever figures out what the Federal Reserve actually does.

In a major speech, President Obama, responding to allegations that the National Security Agency has been electronically snooping on foreign leaders, announces that all federal agencies will henceforth follow strict new guidelines on the sale and distribution of photos of Angela Merkel naked.

Elsewhere abroad, NBA legend and idiot Dennis Rodman makes a fourth visit to North Korea to hang out with his misunderstood pal Kim Jong Un, who defeats Rodman 168-0 in a friendly one-on-one game refereed by the North Korean army, then celebrates by firing a missile at Japan.

Ward Sutton

FEBRUARY

The Northeast continues to be battered by heavy snows and subzero temperatures, and the Massachusetts National Guard is called out to battle the Polar Vortex, eventually cornering it inside a Costco store near Boston, where it barricades itself along with several dozen hostages who are forced to survive by eating caramel cheddar popcorn from containers the size of hot tubs.

In sports, the largest audience in American TV history tunes in to watch one of the most anticipated Super Bowls in years, pitting the Denver Broncos against the Seattle Seahawks in a historic matchup so boring that the entire second half is preempted by Bud Light commercials.

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But the big sports story takes place in Sochi, where Russia hosts the Winter Olympics. Despite fears of violence, the Games go smoothly until late in the opening ceremony, when — in what observers view as a troubling omen — the Russian biathlon team wipes out the entire Ukrainian delegation.

General Motors recalls nearly 800,000 Chevrolet Cobalts and Pontiac G5s after tests show they don’t always have enough wheels.

In politics, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, responding to a radio interviewer’s questions about his alleged role in the 2013 “Bridgegate” lane-closure scandal, eats the interviewer.

MARCH

The news is dominated by the baffling disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370, which has millions of viewers tuning in to CNN to follow its round-the-clock exclusive video coverage of random unidentified objects floating in the ocean that might be airplane pieces — although they never actually turn out to BE airplane pieces, but they MIGHT have been — accompanied by countless hours of analysis by a wide array of experts who have no more actual knowledge of what happened to Flight 370 than the people selling jewelry on the Home Shopping Network.

Abroad, the big story involves the Crimea, which until now many of us thought was a disease, as in “Bob has a bad case of the Crimea,” but which turns out to be a part of Ukraine that Russia wants to annex. As tension mounts in the region, the United States and the European Union issue Stern Warnings to Russia, such as “You better not annex the Crimea!” And “Don’t make us turn this car around!” Nevertheless Russia goes ahead and annexes it, forcing the United States and Europe to escalate from Stern Warnings to Harsh Sanctions, including the suspension of Vladimir Putin’s Netflix account.

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Hopes for an end to the brutal winter weather are dashed when the Polar Vortex, having disguised itself as a warm front, manages to slip past surrounding Massachusetts National Guard troops and escape moments before Costco is leveled by artillery fire, destroying two-thirds of the state’s supply of jerky.

On a happier note, Colorado announces that it has already collected marijuana sales taxes totaling $2 million, which the state plans to spend on “a subwoofer the size of Delaware.”

General Motors recalls 1.5 million more cars to correct a steering issue that causes certain models to deliberately aim for elderly pedestrians.

In a development that surprises film critics, Academy Awards voters, apparently hoping to woo a younger audience, award the Oscar for best picture to Sharknado.

APRIL

In an aviation miracle, a 15-year-old boy sneaks into the landing-gear compartment of a Hawaiian Airlines Boeing 767 and somehow survives a five-hour flight from San Jose to Maui. Hours later, major US airlines jointly announce that they are offering “an exciting new seating option for budget-minded flyers who enjoy fresh air.”

General Motors, in what analysts view as a shrewd tactical move, announces that it is recalling 435,000 Fords.

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On a happier note, the Polar Vortex finally goes back to Canada after becoming involved in a street altercation with Alec Baldwin.

In sports, Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling, whose racist comments have sparked widespread outrage, is given the NBA’s harshest possible punishment: season tickets to the Knicks.

MAY

In domestic news, the Department of Veterans Affairs is engulfed in scandal following revelations that some VA hospitals are just now getting around to treating veterans of the War of 1812. Secretary of Veterans Affairs Eric Shinseki tells a Senate committee that he is “mad as hell” about this, but he ends up resigning after he is out-angered by President Obama, who according to a top aide is “madder than hell.” Numerous Republicans declare that they, too, are extremely mad. Basically, everybody in Washington is hopping mad about this scandal, leaving little doubt that it is only a matter of time before some strongly worded reports are generated.

Also resigning from the government is White House press secretary Jay Carney, who plans to pursue a career as a Magic 8 Ball specializing in “Reply hazy try again.”

In sports, the month’s biggest event is the National Football League draft, which draws 32 million viewers, who tune in to witness the high-voltage excitement of Roger Goodell walking to a microphone every 10 minutes to read a name, kind of like a slower version of bingo.

JUNE

The World Cup soccer tournament gets underway in Brazil, where, in a surprise first-round elimination, the highly regarded Spanish team is consumed by an anaconda. The Russian team is also eliminated in the first round, but is able to remain in the tournament — over the strongly worded objections of the American team — by annexing the Belgian team.

In Washington scandal news, the Internal Revenue Service, responding to a subpoena, tells congressional investigators that it cannot produce years’ worth of Lois Lerner’s e-mails because the hard drive they were stored on failed, and the hard drive was thrown away, and the backup tapes were erased, and no printed copies were saved — contrary to the IRS’s own record-keeping policy, which was eaten by the IRS’s dog. “It was just one crazy thing after another,” states the IRS, “and it got us to thinking: All these years we’ve been subjecting taxpayers to everything short of rectal probes if they can’t produce EVERY SINGLE DOCUMENT WE WANT, and here we lose YEARS’ worth of official records! So from now on, if taxpayers tell us they lost something or just plain forgot to make a tax payment, we’ll be like ‘Hey, whatever! Stuff happens!’ Because who are we to judge?”

But all kidding aside, you can bet that before this thing is over there will be a strongly worded report.

JULY

The Ukrainian crisis intensifies when a Malaysia Airlines plane is shot down over Ukraine by a missile apparently fired by separatists backed by Russia. This is the last straw for the United States and Europe, which retaliate swiftly with a stern statement warning that any Russians planning to dine in US or European restaurants in the future can expect to receive “very slow service.”

In state news, Colorado calls up Mexico at 1:30 a.m. and attempts to place a takeout order for 65,000 beef chimichangas.

General Motors, in an efficiency move, announces that it will start recalling cars while they are still on the assembly line.

In sports, LeBron James decides to return to Cleveland, revealing his decision in a heartfelt and deeply personal first-person essay written by Lee Jenkins. Overjoyed Cavaliers fans rush to purchase LeBron James jerseys to replace the ones they burned when he left.

AUGUST

President Obama announces that the US military, which finally, with much fanfare, managed to get out of Iraq after a long string of operations including Operation Desert Fox, Operation Iraqi Freedom, and Operation New Dawn, is commencing an operation in  . . . Iraq. This new operation — against a group called ISIL, an acronym that stands for ISIS — is hampered when a technical glitch causes the Pentagon’s Operation Name Generator to spew out a string of unacceptable candidates, including Operation Staunch Bedspread, Operation Iron Tapeworm, and Operation Thunderous Bidet. While technicians work to solve the problem, the military is forced to refer to the new operation as “Bob.”

In other endless-conflict news, a cease-fire between Israel and Hamas is broken three-1,000ths of a second after it is signed, setting a new Middle East record that is celebrated by rocket fire far into the night.

In a potentially troubling development, Russia annexes Canada.

Domestically, the big story is in Ferguson, Missouri, which is rocked by a wave of protests following the fatal shooting of Michael Brown by police officer Darren Wilson. The shooting ignites a passionate national debate whose participants have basically as much solid information about what actually happened as they do about Malaysia Airlines Flight 370.

SEPTEMBER

The FBI announces that it is investigating the distribution of hundreds of naked-celebrity photos that were helpfully uploaded from the celebrities’ iPhones to the “cloud,” which also has all of your personal information despite the fact that you have NO idea what it is. An outraged Miley Cyrus threatens to sue Apple when she discovers that none of the photos are of her.

In government news, the troubled Secret Service once again comes under withering criticism when an intruder is able to jump the White House fence, enter the White House through the front door, overpower a Secret Service agent, run through the two halls, enter the East Room, deliver a nationwide radio address, and appoint four federal judges before being overpowered. In a congressional hearing probing the incident, the Secret Service director promises to improve White House security, but suggests that in the meantime the first family should “consider adopting a larger dog.”

Abroad, Scottish voters, in a closely watched referendum, decide by a surprisingly large margin that they, too, hate bagpipe music.

In the celebrity social event of the year, George Clooney marries Amal Alamuddin in what is believed to be one of the most elaborate and expensive weddings ever held in a Chuck E. Cheese. Sources describe it as “like a fairy tale, until Anna Wintour threw up on Matt Damon in the ball pit.”

Ward Sutton

OCTOBER

The Ebola virus takes center stage as a parade of medical authorities appear on cable news to assure the American public that there is absolutely no reason to panic about Ebola, so we should just stay calm regarding Ebola because given what we know about Ebola there is probably no danger that you will get Ebola so just stop worrying about Ebola Ebola Ebola OMIGOD EBOLA! After a solid week of being reassured 24-seven about Ebola, the public has been soothed into a state of panic, which is not improved when the director of the Centers for Disease Control does an interview for CNN from inside a bubble.

President Obama, responding decisively to the mounting crisis, appoints as his “Ebola czar” Ron Klain, an attorney who is never heard from again.

In politics, the big story is the looming midterm elections, which have President Obama crisscrossing the nation at a hectic pace in a last-ditch effort to find a Democratic candidate willing to appear in public with him. The president is finally able to schedule an event with 94-year-old R. Nordstrom Fleener, who is running for his 17th term as road commissioner of Carwankle County, Tennessee. Mr. Fleener appears pleased by the endorsement, although he refers to the president repeatedly as “Mr. Truman.”

NOVEMBER

The Democrats get creamed in the midterm elections, which means the Republicans will control both houses of Congress, as well as the road commissionership of Carwankle County, which R. Nordstrom Fleener, despite being unopposed, loses badly, although his wife elects not to tell him.

In other political news, the debate over US immigration policy intensifies when President Obama, in a move that infuriates Republicans, signs an executive order giving Texas back to Mexico. In a close vote, the US Senate defeats the Keystone Pipeline, which would, at peak capacity, have delivered 830,000 barrels of oil per day from the Canadian tar sands to Leonardo DiCaprio’s yacht.

A monster early snowstorm paralyzes much of the nation, dumping more than 6 feet of snow around Buffalo, which fortunately is uninhabited. As highways become impassable, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo declares a state of emergency moments before being carried off by a yeti.

In what some international observers see as a deliberate provocation, a Russian fighter jet shoots down the Goodyear Blimp.

In a much-anticipated decision, a St. Louis County grand jury elects not to indict Darren Wilson, setting in motion a vintage performance of the timeless Kabuki theater of American racial relations, with all parties — blacks, whites, conservatives, progressives, politicians, the media, police, protesters, racists, rioters, and, of course, the Rev. Al Sharpton — playing their traditional roles and delivering their traditional lines, following a script that could have been written five years ago, or 10, so there is no risk that anybody will say, do, or think anything remotely unexpected or emerge in any way changed. (This doesn’t apply to YOU, of course. I’m talking about everybody else.)

As the month draws to a close, the healing begins, with the Thanksgiving holiday bringing Americans of all races and religions together to fight over discounted electronics.

DECEMBER

In a shocking political bombshell, Rob Portman announces that he will not run for president in 2016, setting off a nationwide frenzy of Googling by people wondering who “Rob Portman” is. Fortunately, there are still plenty of politicians in both major parties thinking about getting into the race, thereby assuring that the voters will ultimately be able to choose their next president from a wide range of fresh, exciting options, be it Jeb Bush or Hillary Clinton.

Prince William and Kate, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, arrive in New York City for a whirlwind visit that begins with a four-hour ride from the airport to their hotel in a taxi with a driver complaining the entire time about Uber.

In sports, the top college football teams play in the traditional year-end bowl games, including the TaxSlayer Bowl, the Bitcoin Bowl, the Popeyes Bahamas Bowl, the Duck Commander Bowl, and the Thunderous Bidet Bowl. All but one of these are actual bowl games.

In another year-end tradition, millions of children stay up late on Christmas Eve, eagerly awaiting the arrival of Santa Claus, who unfortunately is delayed because five of his reindeer were recalled by GM.

As the year draws to a close, happy revelers jam New York’s Times Square to watch the traditional dropping of the illuminated ball, while in Denver a mellower throng gathers to ring in the new year with the lighting of the Two Hundred Foot Doobie. And all across America, voices join in singing “Auld Lang Syne,” the beloved traditional song that makes no sense. Which makes it perfect for 2014.

Maybe 2015 will be better. We can hope, right? It might help if we stand downwind of Denver.

Anyway, happy new year.

More coverage:

- The best and worst from Boston dining in 2014

- A salute to those lost in 2014

- Massachusetts’ most offbeat business stories of 2014

- The best movies of 2014

- The best books of 2014

- 2014: The Year in Arts


Dave Barry writes for the Miami Herald, though he no longer has a weekly column. Send comments to magazine@globe.com.