No one will ever confuse me with Nostradamus.
Last presidential election, I predicted that Rick Perry, then Herman Cain, then Newt Gingrich would be the Republican nominee. In my defense, even I realized Michele Bachmann, married to a guy who says he converts gays to straights and who’s a dead ringer for Chaz Bono, was going nowhere.
Nevertheless, here we go with a rundown of 2015 . . .
This week, two trials are scheduled to start: Aaron Hernandez, charged with murder, and Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, with the Marathon bombings. Now you see it, now you don’t. The former Patriot’s trial will be televised because it’s in a state court, the alleged terrorist’s will not, because it’s in federal court, which does not allow cameras. Pressure will grow on the do-nothing Congress to end the TV blackout. If Citibank signs off, they’ll do it.
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Also this week: On Thursday, Charlie Baker will be sworn in. He and the family will drive in from Dorchester, where they moved over the holidays. He’s there every day — why not?!
Soon after, the US Olympic Committee picks Boston. Boston 2024 will then promise to hold public hearings and release all financial details of its Olympics bid immediately after Halley’s Comet next swings by.
Through it all, Elizabeth Warren will continue to say “I am not running for president” and Hillary Clinton, no longer “dead broke,” will continue to charge $300,000 per appearance.
On February 1, Tom Brady wins his fourth Super Bowl. Coach Belichick, not realizing cameras are on, will smile, and Marty Walsh will plan a rolling rally. But no one can utter “Gentlemen, mount your ducks!” with the same je ne sais quoi that Tom Menino did.
In late March, all eyes turn to South Boston. Before the last Bloody Mary is downed at the Saint Patrick’s Day breakfast, every columnist in Boston writes that the annual event should be put out of its misery. And gays, finally able to march openly in the parade, ask: This is what we fought for for years?
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In early spring, Barack Obama finally has that drink with Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell. The day after, the president announces that in the spirit of bipartisanship, he will embrace the entire GOP agenda. Minutes later, Speaker John Boehner condemns Obama for his weakness, pledging to fight him at every turn.
It’s April 1. Showing they really get the whole April Fools thing, Hillary Clinton says she’ll stop charging for speeches and Senator Ted Cruz of Texas says he looks forward to working with President Obama during his final 20 months in office. The pitcher-challenged Red Sox open up on April 6 with David Ortiz throwing a one-hitter — then asking for a three-year contract extension.
By early summer, the state’s first slots parlor opens in Plainville. The casino caucus on Beacon Hill celebrates by putting keno in school cafeterias, so our kids learn how to gamble responsibly. And in Everett, Steve Wynn breaks ground just hours after US Attorney Carmen Ortiz announces more indictments of those involved in the project.
Before you know it, it’s June, and on the same day that Mark Wahlberg gets his pardon, Ted 2 comes to the big screen. Guardians of Peaceful Teddy Bears warn theatergoers to stay home, but we refuse, allowing women throughout America to turn to the men laughing uncontrollably next to them and say: “Tell me again what’s funny about this?”
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On the final day of the session, Chief Justice John Roberts again votes to keep Obamacare alive and to make same-sex marriage the law of the land. Observers think they hear Justice Thomas speak for just the second time in 10 years, reportedly asking, “Who am I and why am I here?”
By late summer, most Republican candidates for president have established residency in New Hampshire. Those lagging offer to make breakfast and change the kitty litter for any Granite Stater who’ll let them put up a lawn sign.
It’s Labor Day. Elizabeth Warren works crowds into a frenzy when she tells them the system is rigged, then announces, to no one’s surprise, that she’s in it to win it. In response, Hillary Clinton ups her appearance fee to $400,000.
At yet another joint press conference, McConnell and a weeping Boehner announce that they’ve identified the seven Americans who still have a favorable view of Congress and pledge to turn them around. By week’s end, they have.
As the days grow shorter and as the 2016 Iowa caucuses and New Hampshire’s primary near, Warren has cut Clinton’s lead in half, Jeb Bush separates himself from the pack, and Clinton’s legal team suggests she can be the Democratic nominee even if she never formally announces her candidacy. Clinton herself was unable to attend the team’s press conference due to a conflict with a long-planned $500,000 speech to an anti-poverty group in Des Moines.
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November begins with a Red Sox World Series. Larry Lucchino pitches the clinching game.
The year ends with Warren closing to within points of Clinton and Hillary interrupting a three-quarters-of-a-million-dollar New Year’s Eve engagement to announce that Chelsea will be her VP. Beacon Hill passes first-in-the-nation legislation allowing gamblers to direct-deposit their paychecks to the state’s casinos. And in Times Square, CNN’s Anderson Cooper asks Kathy Griffin where she thinks Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 went down.
As the ball drops at 43d and Broadway, Nostradamus rests easy.
More coverage:
- Dave Barry’s 2014 in review: Goodbye and good riddance
- The best and worst from Boston dining in 2014
- A salute to those lost in 2014
- Massachusetts’ most offbeat business stories of 2014
Jim Braude is host of “Broadside: The News With Jim Braude” on NECN and co-host of WGBH’s “Boston Public Radio” on 89.7 FM. You can follow him on Twitter @jimbraude. Send comments to magazine@globe.com.