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Miss Conduct

Advice: When Mom doesn’t like your boyfriend

What’s a college student to do — especially when her mother has serious concerns?

lucy truman

Recently I started seeing someone new. We connect well, have a great time together, and my friends like him. But my mother believes he’s physically abusing me. I am very clumsy (I was tested for dyspraxia as a child), and currently have a wrist brace for an RSI and two sprained ankles. (I sprained one before our first date, and my housemates witnessed both self-inflicted injuries.) My mother says she has a problem with the age gap (10 years; I am in college), but surely this cannot be the only reason for her vendetta? I don’t want this to come between my mother and me or damage my new relationship. She’s never been like this with previous boyfriends. What should I do?

Anonymous / Boston

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You date your boyfriend, that’s what you do.

If your mother objects, say: “I’m sorry you have those concerns and we’ve talked about them. I’d rather not continue this conversation. How do you think the Sox are looking this year?” If she continues: “I’m sorry, Mom, but I’ve said I don’t want to have this conversation. If we can’t talk about something else, I need to hang up/leave/log off/beam back to the Enterprise.” Then do so.

You’re very young. Up until recently, you needed permission from Mom for everything. If you couldn’t do or have what you wanted, you had to argue your case for it, or nag and whine, or do your chores extra-sparkly to show that you were mature enough to handle things. This is not the case anymore! You don’t need anyone’s permission to live your life as you choose. I’m not saying flip your mother the bird, you understand — I’m saying you don’t have to. Because your choices are no longer “good daughter” versus “defiant daughter.” You can stop acting like a child who is being denied a treat and start acting like an adult who has a boundary issue with a peer.

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Why is your mother behaving this way? Partly, I would suggest, because of a particular book and movie about a “clumsy” college student swept up in an abusive relationship in which the concept of consent is not even paid lip service.

And that age difference is a serious one. When you graduate, you’ll be just starting out, and your beau/boo/bae is already established. That’s a big difference in life stages, so don’t feel that you have to make this relationship work in order to prove your mother wrong. That’s the kind of childish power struggle you can leave behind.

Finally — and not to bury the lead here — 75 percent of your limbs are not in working condition. This is unacceptable. See your doctor; if your regular doctor is as blithely casual about your “clumsiness” as you are, find another one. You shouldn’t be constantly damaging yourself, and in your early 20s yet. What will life be like when your joints get stiffer, your healing time longer?

Your biggest problem isn’t that your mother doesn’t get along with your boyfriend, it’s that your brain doesn’t get along with your body. Start taking that more seriously and think about recruiting your mother as an ally to help you figure out a way to live more peaceably in three-dimensional space. You don’t need her permission anymore, but her advice and perspective (and insurance coverage) can still prove invaluable.

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Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.


WHAT DILEMMA ARE YOU LOOKING TO SOLVE WITH YOUR PARENT (OR YOUR CHILD)? Send your questions to Miss Conduct at missconduct@globe.com.