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Miss Conduct

Advice: Shushing a whistling, humming, or singing co-worker

Plus, questions on splitting restaurant bills and save-the-date cards.

lucy truman

Some of my co-workers are whistlers or hummers and occasionally will start singing. This is annoying and disruptive; any advice on how to tune them out or make them stop?

M.B. / Boston

Just tell them. “Gosh, you all probably don’t even realize you’re doing it, but do you know you sing sometimes? And then I get an earworm and can’t concentrate for the rest of the day. Can we do an office karaoke outing sometime? And try not to sing while we’re at work?”

Questions about noisy cube-farm associates are often tricky, but this is an easy one. No one needs to sing to conduct business in an office, nor is singing the kind of biological sound that may be irritating to others but is impossible for the noisemaker to suppress. (Dear readers, if such biological sounds fill you with uncontrollable rage, Google “misophonia.” There’s no treatment, but there’s a lot of online support and excoriation of mouth noises to be found. You’re not alone.)

Six of us get together every three months at a fairly expensive restaurant, sharing the bill equally. After our most recent meeting, my significant other and I realized that one couple had ordered more modestly than the rest of us, and as a result, overpaid by more than $20. How can we make things right without any awkwardness?

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F.H. / Natick

The next time the Gang of Six congregates, mention that Pat and Chris Overpay wound up footing much more than their share last time, and should we do separate checks? Or is it easier to keep splitting evenly? Unless someone in the group is officially Weird About Money, this should be entirely kosher. Maybe the Overpays were bothered by the discrepancy, or maybe they feel that splitting evenly is a convenience that outweighs the occasional risk of over- or underpayment. You didn’t do anything wrong at your last dinner — the established tradition was to split the check three ways; the Overpays knew that. Maybe they’d like to change that practice, so give them the option. And pick up the tab for coffee or a drink if you see them between now and then.

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My husband and I were sent a save-the-date card in October for the June wedding of a relative. I sent a note in November to the mother of the bride thanking them for the information but saying we would not be able to attend, as it is the day our son graduates from high school. I added we want to be able to get a gift out to the couple. Were we right to decline before we were actually invited?

N. X. / Boston

Your behavior was polite and admirably efficient, given that you already had a clear, inarguable conflict on your calendar. In general, I recommend not giving excuses when you can’t make an event, because reasons can be argued with and sooner or later your excuse will be something you don’t want to share (a colonoscopy, a bankruptcy hearing). But that is for events planned for the near future, not nine months in advance. When declining something so far ahead, say what the conflict is (a graduation, a vacation, moving house). Otherwise, your RSVP will sound like the caption to the famous New Yorker cartoon: “How about never — is never good for you?’’ But you didn’t do that, so you’re golden.

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Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.


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