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Miss Conduct

Advice on letting Mom down easy for Mother’s Day

Plus, taking the conversation back from a loud talker.

lucy truman

My mother and mother-in-law each live within an hour’s drive, but not near each other. I’m a new mother and work full time. For Mother’s Day it seems like we either host the family(ies), which is not all that relaxing, or drive all over the state, which means coordinating nap times. I’d enjoy a quiet day at home with my kids without having to cook or hustle or deal with the crankiness that comes with taking kids on long drives. This feels a little a selfish, though. What are the appropriate expectations about how to celebrate Mother’s Day?

M.S. / Boston

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Jesus once said, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.”

I’m Jewish, but then again so was Jesus, so maybe it’s not surprising that I feel he was onto something. Similarly, Mother’s Day was made for mothers. You don’t exist to celebrate the holiday appropriately. The holiday exists to celebrate you.

If it’s too difficult to host a family gathering, or to drive to two separate houses for two separate parties, then don’t. Simply don’t. You’re allowed to set boundaries, and this seems like an awfully reasonable one, given the circumstances. You’re a new mother with at least one older child and you also work full time? Of course you want to spend Mother’s Day at home alone, and so you should. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your mother and mother-in-law, or that you’ll never have a Mother’s Day party again.

If Mother’s Day is traditionally a get-together day for your extended family, get in touch right away to let your mother and mother-in-law know that in-person celebrations are off the table this year. (You can ask your husband to tell his mother.) If they whine or burble or hiss or steam or imitate a radiator in any way, you reply, “I’m sorry you’re disappointed, but it’s not going to work for us this year. Maybe next year.” Use your Mom Voice if you have to. Send them cards or flowers or a case of wine or whatever you normally do, and give them each a call on the day itself and let them talk to their grandkids. That’s enough. It really is.

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A dear friend, getting on in years, drinks too much and gets very loud and monopolizes the group conversations. She usually talks about inconsequential things from way in the past. Furthermore, we are usually asked to drive this couple, and are trapped in the car with them at loud volume. I want to make excuses not to spend any more time with the group, but I would miss the other people. Is there any tactful way to take back the conversation?

V.B. / Boston

What you’re describing is an incipient health crisis, not a personality quirk. A person who experiences a personality shift when she drinks needs to be told about it.

I don’t know how you should go about this, because I don’t know the group dynamics. Maybe it’s better for one or two group members to have the conversation with Mrs. Lushloud. Maybe someone should talk to her husband first. Maybe you talk about your broader worries about Mrs. L’s drinking and health, maybe you only point out that it’s affecting the group. You could ask her not to drink (and agree to stay sober yourself) during your get-togethers. It’s going to be awkward and painful and disruptive to your friendships. There are no magic words to make it easier. But the current situation is also awkward and painful and disruptive.

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Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.


WONDERING HOW TO DEAL WITH A PROBLEM WITH YOUR PARENTS OR IN-LAWS? Send your questions to Miss Conduct at missconduct@globe.com.