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Miss Conduct

Advice: Help! The lady in the next stall wants to chat

Plus, why keeping a tally of wedding gifts given and received is a bad idea.

A higher-up in my department starts work-related conversations in the bathroom — and not just at the sinks. When I am washing my hands, she will start discussing a project and then proceed into a stall and keep going  .  .  .  and going. It makes me terribly uncomfortable to have to listen to her bodily functions while we are basically having a meeting. I try to interject and excuse myself, but it’s difficult to do without cutting her off. Any advice on how to get her to stop?

E.K. / Somerville

Stop clearly hearing her! Haven’t you ever noticed how difficult it is to make out conversation when there’s water running? And how years of pumping music through your earbuds on the elliptical — however beneficial that time was for your core strength — has certainly done no favors for your hearing? Goodness, ambient sound can wreck me.

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You get the point. A little feigned deafness can be everyone’s friend — in fact, it’s hard to imagine living peacefully with other people without strategically not hearing them from time to time. Mention to Ms. Loo that you can’t hear as well when there’s running water in the background. If you’re one of those people who cannot tell a useful and harmless lie, note that this is a technically accurate statement — no one hears as well when there is running water in the background — and delicately does not state the source of the running water.

Subsequently, handle her attempted impromptu bathroom meetings as you would if you really couldn’t hear her. Either ignore her entirely or interrupt with a raised-voice “I can’t hear you — meet you outside!” (The only time it’s polite to interrupt someone is to say you can’t hear them, so take advantage of that.)

The alternative is to have a conversation that will leave both of you thinking the other person has neuroses about bathroom behavior. You’re right and she’s wrong, but she’s not going to see it that way. You certainly don’t want Ms. Loo to associate you with bathroom-related awkwardness as much as you do her.

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When I got married, a close friend traveled for my wedding but did not give us a gift or card. Now she’s getting married and I will have to travel to her wedding, but there is also a shower for her here in Boston. Do I get her a gift? Or is this a tit-for-tat situation and I don’t have to?

A.L. / Boston

Ah, love. If there’s any phrase that poignantly evokes drawing one’s community near to celebrate the joining of two hearts, it’s “tit-for-tat situation.” Etiquette states that invitations are not invoices. Neither you nor any other wedding guest is required to produce a gift as your ticket of admission. (Goody acquisition is the entire point of a shower, however, so if you’re not going to give a gift, don’t go.) Usually if you like someone enough to attend her wedding, you want to give a gift. If a friend did not get you a wedding present, you might choose not to get her one out of fear of embarrassing her, should your own gift remind her of her lapse. This attitude I can understand. Eye-for-an-eye calculations at the wedding of a close friend I cannot.

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.

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WHAT ETIQUETTE JAMS DO YOU NEED HELP GETTING OUT OF? Send your questions to Miss Conduct at missconduct@globe.com.