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Miss Conduct

Advice: My mother-in-law is a moocher

How to tell a relative that you can no longer fund fancy dinners.

My mother-in-law is coming to visit. On previous trips, we have paid for everything. She’s from the Midwest, so meals include lobster and scallops and all the things that are great and expensive about New England cuisine. She never makes an attempt to pay the check or even get the tip. To top it off, she doesn’t seem to appreciate anything, not even a “That was delicious,” let alone a “Thank you.” We are on a serious budget with three kids younger than 3 and are going broke from diapers alone. How can we avoid going into debt over this trip without having grilled cheese for dinner every night afterward?

Anonymous / Boston

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First, separate your annoyance at your moocher-in-law’s lack of gratitude from the financial realities of your situation. She could be the most gushingly grateful person in the world, the David Foster Wallace of the thank you note, and it still wouldn’t put more money in your bank account.

Second — making sure your spouse is 100 percent on the same page as you — explain the situation to your M-I-L before she arrives. Don’t scold her for her past lack of generosity, but let her know that you can’t be picking up the tab for multiple dinners out this time, that you’d appreciate some pitching in with groceries or chores, or whatever. I find it amazing that you’re having houseguests at all, given that you’re already outnumbered by toddlers! Be as firm, pleasant, and straightforward as you would with some beloved non-mooching college friend.

When she arrives, provide the kind of hospitality you easily can. Don’t break the bank, or your back, to indulge her every desire. If she wants fancier food, or brighter lights, she is welcome to take you all out on the town. If you do go out, have the “Who picks up the tab?” conversation before you leave the house. (You know what’s going to happen if you don’t.) This is not you punishing her; this is reality. You’re not feeding her gruel and hoarding the lobsters for yourself.

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If she complains, ignore her, or agree with her: “I know! We used to love eating out, too. Those Legal Sea Food years were great. We could maybe still afford it if we hadn’t given you all those grandbabies!”

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.


HOW DO YOUR GUESTS MAKE YOUR LIFE DIFFICULT? Send your questions to Miss Conduct at missconduct@globe.com.