Love Letters

I lost my BFF to my ex

The divorce and co-parenting were going fine until my good deed for a friend turned sour.

Q. I have a best friend of almost 10 years and, separately, an ex-husband. I got my best friend a job working for my ex-husband, and I thought I was doing the right thing.

Until this point, my ex-husband and I had remained friends (we share one child). We didn’t argue and we co-parented well. I thought my friend would work for him for a few months while she looked for a different job. She has now worked for him for more than a year.

She stopped talking to me without giving me a reason a couple of months ago. My daughter says that she has seen my best friend at my ex-husband’s house on different occasions. Also, I just found out that they are on a trip together.

Advertisement

I am heartbroken. I feel betrayed by my friend. I also feel betrayed by my ex. I feel that in a way he has stolen my friend. I would normally talk to her about something like this. I really don’t have anyone else to talk to. Should I feel this sad about the situation?

— Betrayed

Get Today's Headlines in your inbox:
The day's top stories delivered every morning.
Thank you for signing up! Sign up for more newsletters here

A. This isn’t a love letter, really. You’re devastated that your ex stole your friend, but it sounds as if you can live with the fact that your friend stole your ex. That’s good news — it means you can probably deal with them as a couple (if that’s what they are), as long as they’re good to you.

Your best bet is to call your friend and tell her what you’ve heard. Then explain that you miss her and want to keep her in your life (that’s true, right?). If she won’t respond, send a good e-mail. Either way, let your ex know that it’s better to keep you in the loop. Your daughter should never be the one in the middle.

Even if you have a great conversation, your friend might prefer to maintain boundaries when it comes to your ex. It might be difficult for her to share because of how you fit into the story.

It would be great if you could lean on some other friends in the future. The important stuff shouldn’t always fall to one person anyway.

– Meredith

READERS RESPOND

Advertisement

We get that you’re unhappy. But if you want to spy on your ex-husband and your friend, hire a private detective and keep your daughter out of the middle of it. TRUTHFUL-POSTER

I sincerely doubt anyone had any intention to hurt you. Keep that in mind as you figure this out. MCDIMMERSON

She probably just doesn’t know how to tell you. Call her and let her know you’re OK with it. WIZEN

But I’m not so sure the letter writer is OK with it. BETTYMCBOOPFACE

I would probably bring it up just to put an end to the secrecy, but I wouldn’t consider her my best friend going forward. JACQI SMITH

Advertisement

Let both of them go, and continue to be a good co-parent. MHOUSTON1

Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters. Send letters to meredith.goldstein@globe.com.