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kevin cullen

It’s no time to give humor a rest

I refuse to work on Labor Day.

It’s not that I’m lazy.

Well, actually, I am lazy. But that’s beside the point.

The money-loving televangelist Reverend Ike used to say the best thing he could do for poor people was to not be one of them.

Likewise, the best way to honor the working man is to not be one of them. So I’m turning the column over to a real union card-carrying working man, Paul Elwell, a sheet metal worker from Dorchester who does stand-up comedy when he’s not tin-knocking.

The summer’s over. Back to the grind. This can be a depressing week. What better time for a few laughs. To not take things, or ourselves, too seriously.

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Take it away, Paul . . .

Barnum & Bailey announced that they were retiring their elephants. And like most retirees, their pension would be peanuts.

They also fired one of their clowns saying he lied on his resume about previous work experience and ability to do the job. The guy turned out to be a real clown.

Speaking of clowns, choosing between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton isn’t exactly like choosing between steak and lobster. More like Pepto-Bismol and Ex-Lax. Either way, you’re going to feel the burn.

Donald Trump is unhappy that two of the presidential debates are up against the NFL. Hmm. What would you rather watch, some overpaid, inarticulate goons trying to shove each other’s faces into the ground, or some football?

President Obama thinks the difference between ISIS and ISIL is that one is a small and the other one is a large.

Poor Joe Biden. He gets fewer calls than the Maytag repairman. When asked what he is going to do when he leaves office, he said, “I’ve always wanted to learn how to make ice.”

I’m a one-issue voter, and that issue is our southern border. We are being overrun by people who are unhealthy, unskilled, and don’t speak like us. I say we round them all up and send them back to Rhode Island. Then we build a wall.

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The last time I was in Rhode Island, I went to a Providence Bruins game and there was a scalper outside. How bad of a scalper do you have to be to get sent down to the minors?

The whole gender-neutral thing has made life more complicated. It used to be, you got in trouble for assuming a woman was pregnant. Now you get in trouble for assuming she’s a woman.

I just heard about a guy who died. He weighed 1,032 pounds. If your weight has a comma, you’ve got a problem.

I just applied for a license so I can open a medical marijuana dispensary. I hope to locate it right next door to my Doritos dispensary.

Colin Kaepernick says he will not stand during the National Anthem until the country changes to his liking. Roger Goodell may have to suspend him for four games for having an overinflated ego.

Did you ever go to a sporting event with someone who wants to leave early to beat the traffic? Beat the traffic? You are the traffic.

Boston was going to host the Olympics until the IOC realized this city couldn’t even pull off hosting an IndyCar race. Let’s face it: Speeding through downtown streets is best left to the locals.

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While I was driving home from Braintree the other day, the message board on the Expressway was flashing four words: Crash at Columbia Road. So I did.

If you’ve never been lost in Maine but really want to know what it feels like, go into a closet and ask a shirt how to get out.

I don’t want to say I had a bad year financially, but I’m the reason that credit card company is called Chase.

My iPod has only one song, but I keep it on shuffle so I can be surprised.


Kevin Cullen is a Globe columnist. He can be reached at cullen@globe.com. Follow him on Twitter @GlobeCullen.