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A bit of friendly advice for Clinton before the debate

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At Monday’s debate, all Hillary Clinton has to be is perfect.Joe Raedle

May I have a word, Hillary?

Monday night's debate — your first one-on-one with Donald Trump — is going to be massively important. Like everybody else, I have some advice for you, but mine is so super simple you won't believe you didn't think of it sooner: Be perfect!

If you make one wrong move — even if you dip a little toe in the wrongness for half a second then pull that pinkie back hoping nobody saw — you've lost.

Expectations for you are astronomically high, because you are an accomplished debater, a policy wonk, and a woman. In advance of your first matchup, the GOP is pushing the bar even higher, using words like "talented," "very strong," and "greatest" to describe your debating skills, paying you compliments that would normally have them gagging.

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"Clinton has no excuse not to turn in a near-flawless performance," the party said.

For your opponent, the bar is way, way lower, set at a level one might apply to a tantrum-prone toddler young for his years. Basically, if Trump doesn't self-immolate, he wins.

Qualities that would destroy another candidate make millions love him even more. He knows nothing about foreign or domestic policy and doesn't care to learn? He's just like us; how refreshing! He exploits working people, the tax system, and even his own campaign for personal profit? Ooh, what a shrewd businessman! He says bigoted, sexist things? Finally, somebody who speaks his mind!

The lower he goes, the less we expect of him. All he has to do on Monday night is hold it together, more or less: appear calm-ish; string together actual sentences; stay on message, no matter how vague it may be.

How do you counter this? You pray for him to set himself on fire. I know you've been working on ways to make him lose it. You're even putting Mark Cuban — the billionaire Dallas Mavericks owner and Trump-troller — in the front row, to rattle him. Smart!

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Still, you can't bank on that, so you've got to watch yourself. First, don't cough. Don't even clear your throat, or everybody will think you're gravely ill again. You didn't do yourself any favors here, trying to work through pneumonia without anybody finding out. You had two wrong choices — dying Hillary or lying Hillary — and you chose the wrong one.

Trump, of course, can do as he likes. His unhealthy paunch and fast-food habit make him Everyman. You can never be Everyman, for you are a woman.

Everybody knows you've been plowing through briefing books (can't you be more natural?) so they expect you to know absolutely everything. If you're stumped, even for a second, you're done for. But don't be a smartypants. Be substantive, but not severe. Be serious, but fun. Only don't do that laugh.

What to do when Trump trots out his I-know-you-are-but-what-am-I rebuttals? There's no way to win against somebody who is willing to deny reality endlessly. If you argue with him, you will seem argumentative. Very unbecoming in a woman. No, if the king of the birthers says you're the birther, or if he says he opposed the Iraq invasion when he supported it, or that he never said he'd be fine with nuking ISIS, you just have to hope for divine — or in this case, moderator — intervention. Trump, of course, is already trying to head off that possibility, casting aspersions on NBC anchor Lester Holt: "Look, it's a phony system. Lester is a Democrat," he told fanboy Bill O'Reilly. Holt is a registered Republican, but who cares? Two against one, Trump will cry, and millions will agree.

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If that happens, or if Holt manages to Matt Lauer this debate, it's going to be very frustrating for you. Whatever you do, don't show it, and DO NOT RAISE YOUR VOICE. Speak so that pundits won't shake their heads and wonder how come you act like microphones haven't been invented yet.

OK, so that's how you win it, Hillary Clinton. All you have to do is everything right.

And hope for flames across the stage.


Yvonne Abraham is a Globe columnist. She can be reached at yvonne.abraham@globe.com. Follow her on Twitter @GlobeAbraham.