Actual website: “Cherokees Demand Truth from Elizabeth Warren”
Actual motto: “You forget, it isn’t who you claim, but instead, who claims you. We don’t claim you!”
Actual text: “Our mission is to help people understand what a real Cherokee is and to show why Elizabeth Warren claiming to be Cherokee without proof is harmful and offensive to us.”
And so Warren’s identity-politics battle lives on (as do, conveniently, the news reports about it). But why stop here when there are so many other identities to exploit?
The website: “Pickup Truck Drivers Request Honesty from Scott Brown”
The motto: “Sure, you drove a truck in an election year. But we saw you a few months later in that SUV.”
The text: “Scott Brown drove a GMC pickup truck around Massachusetts when he won his Senate seat. He says he’s a man of the people. But a million-dollar book deal buys a hell of a lot of barn jackets. This time, he can drive a Prius for all we care.”
. . .
The website: “Al Green Fans Insist on Silence from Barack Obama”
The motto: “Slow-jam the news if you must. But don’t pretend to compete with the master.”
The text: “Barack Obama sings two bars of ‘Let’s Stay Together’ at a fundraiser, and the crowded acts like he’s swum the English Channel. Bah. He might have the smoky eyes, but he doesn’t have the chops. If he wants to sing something hard, he should try the national anthem.”
. . .
The website: “NASCAR Fans Suggest Reflection from Mitt Romney”
The motto: “You say you love NASCAR because your friends own NASCAR teams. We do not own NASCAR teams. Therefore, we are not your friends.”
The text: “We watch from the stands, not the luxury boxes. We step on spilled beer and crushed peanuts. If Mitt Romney wants to sound like a normal American, he needs to walk a mile in our sticky shoes. Or buy us all pairs of expensive rain boots.
. . .
Website: “Arugula Eaters Declare Commiseration with Anna Wintour”
Motto: “Why can’t elitism be stylish anymore?”
The text: “So maybe it wasn’t wise for the Obama campaign to put out a video of Wintour, pitching a jet-set fundraiser with Sarah Jessica Parker, on the day those bad job numbers came out. But we sympathize, because we know how Wintour feels: You say you like bitter greens, and suddenly you’re the devil.”
. . .
The website: “Friends of Bain Capital Request Clarity from Deval Patrick”
The motto: “You said Bain is a ‘not a bad company.’ Could you elaborate?”
The text: “It’s hard to hate private equity and praise it at the same time. It all seems suspiciously ... situational. And so, we want to know: What are Deval Patrick’s post-election plans? How about Cory Booker’s?”
. . .
The website: “Genuine Birthers Say ‘Hell No’ to Donald Trump”
The motto: “You can’t just be paranoid when it’s convenient. You have to live it.”
The text: “Trump said he doesn’t believe in Obama’s birth certificate. We say he’s just trying to upstage Mitt Romney and boost ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ ratings. Where was he when we were plastering our cars with “Osama/Obama” signs? In Monte Carlo? At the hair salon? When he hoists a “Don’t Tread on Me” flag at Mar-a-Lago, we’ll talk.”
Joanna Weiss can be reached at email@example.com. Follow her on Twitter @JoannaWeiss.