Last week, amid the down-to-the-wire politicking and the shocking natural disasters, came a pressing piece of cultural news: Disney is acquiring Lucasfilm and making plans to release more “Star Wars” movies. This has horrified some rabid “Star Wars” fans, who worry that their beloved franchise will get overrun by princesses, or that the characters in future sci-fi flicks will suddenly break out in song. (One word for you on that: Ewoks.)
But really, there should be no trouble finding workable material; “Star Wars” captures some classic mythological themes and a fair amount of high-tech battles, but it has always been, in part, a political story. And there is plenty of material to mine from the long, long road to election day. Here are some ideas for the future of the franchise:
Episode 7: You’re Not the Droid I’m Looking For
Long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, a collection of colorful aliens — from varying planets, whose atmospheres contain varying degrees of hot air — competes for the job of Intergalactic Emperor, meeting occasionally for duels at the Mos Eisley Cantina. The combatants include a woman who bows to the founding fathers of the Planet Minnesotie; a tall, thin droid named H-Cain who repeats the numbers “9-9-9” on an endless loop; a smaller, stouter droid named N-3WT who only stops talking when unplugged; and a vest-wearing alien from the planet Santorum, whose main goal is to prevent gay marriage from taking hold across the universe. In the end, they are bested by a dashing Jedi Knight by the name of Mitt Jobcreator, who wins over the boisterous Mos Eisley crowd by describing himself as “Severely Sith.”
Episode 8: My Only Hope
Han Solo and Princess Leia’s daughter comes of age in a galaxy filled with promise. But as she toils as an OB/GYN on the planet Yavin, she runs afoul of the aging and widening Jabba the Hutt, who — after a brief stint in space jail — has abandoned his gangster ways for a new incarnation as an interstellar radio talk show host. Jabba leads a popular movement demanding a return to the days when women of the galaxy wore hard-to-maintain donut hairstyles, dressed in shapeless sheaths, and only used birth control if their employers decided it was really, positively OK. When Han and Leia’s daughter launches a resistance movement, Jabba demands that she wear a bikini and chain herself to his chair.
Episode 9: The People’s Seat
As Jabba’s campaign wears on, the fate of the Imperial Senate hangs in the balance, and a battle between a genial soldier and an occasionally strident professor could determine which party controls the Empire. The dashing Captain Brown, who travels the galaxy in an aging pickup spacetruck, thinks his considerable charm can bring the warring factions together. But he faces a challenge from Princess Professoria, onetime champion of the traders and scavengers on the planet Tattoonie. Will she be hurt by the fact that, on a job application for the Imperial Academy, she once described herself as one-64th Naboo?
Episode 10:May The Fuzz Be With Them
Scientists at the Imperial Academy discover an energy field even greater than the Force. It is known as the Fuzz, and it compels Jedi knight Mitt Jobcreator to dramatically change his previous positions, pretending he never flirted with all of that Sith stuff and has always been in touch with the gentle side of the Force. As he prepares to take on his rival, Emperor Barack, Mitt wages a final, dramatic firefight against his former Mos Eisley foes. He wins with help from Chewbacca’s nephew, Seamus, who diverts the attention of tie-fighters by bravely riding on the roof of a spaceship.
Episode 11: An Old Hope, From A Place Called Hope
Across the galaxy, people settle in to watch a much-anticipated lightsaber duel between Jedi knights Mitt Jobcreator and Emperor Barack. But to everyone’s surprise, Barack wields his saber listlessly and speaks in boring compound sentences. To restore order to his campaign, Barack visits the faraway den of Yoda’s second cousin, who sends him to the secret hideaway of a discredited Jedi master named Obi-Wan Clinton. Lured from his solitude, Clinton stands in for Barack in duels across the universe, delivering bravura performances. But it turns out, he does not want to give up the lightsaber. Ever again.