I won! I won! And here I am, up here, looking down at all of you, and I’m so nervous! It’s terrifying to be adored during award season! I just don’t know what to say!
Luckily, I prepared this acceptance speech.
First, I have to thank this esteemed body of voters, which has been giving me these awards since I was a child. People say this is a second-tier award, but I don’t care, because everybody wants one anyway. Just look at that pop star across the room, glaring at me. She lost a few minutes ago, and now her soul is turning black.
Next, I’d like to thank my team: My manager Bob, my publicist Sue — I adore you, Sue — my folks at ICA, my peeps at CVS, Ms. Prunetta, who makes all of my daily style and juice decisions, and Orville, who gets my groceries.
Also, I want to thank my fellow nominees. You have inspired me since I was a child — a small child, winning multiple awards — and when I watched you back then, which wasn’t very long ago, I dreamed of doing all of the wonderful things you were doing, except at a younger age. You still give me ideas about career paths and fashion choices and plastic surgery dos and don’ts. If I could share this award with you, I would, but it seems to be welded together quite well, and after they send it out for engraving, it’s going to have my name on it. But every day, when I see it on my mantel next to all of my other awards, I am going to think of you.
Oh — I forgot another member of my team! I’m sorry, I’m just so nervous up here. Pilar, who makes my smoothies. Pilar, you are my world.
To my friends, whom I allowed to watch me practice my craft, but forbid from giving any kind of criticism: You may never know how much you helped me. By seeing my work through your eyes, I gained the confidence of knowing that you are you, and I am me, and the world is working out extremely well that way.
To my family: You support me every day, and when I have doubts about myself, I bring them to you, and you tell me how ridiculous I am to see myself as anything but wonderful. To my new child: Thank you for existing, so that I can remind people that I have a new child, and that he is extremely photogenic.
To everyone else’s children: You can go to bed now.
To my partners on this project: I wouldn’t be here without you. You are like my family, except that we never had to cook for each other or have a normal conversation if we didn’t want to. I also want to thank our crew, who are too many and obscure to mention by name. We had the most wonderful time together, didn’t we?
To my grandmother, who taught me to follow my dreams. I know that for you, that meant marrying a boy who wore button-down shirts to work and chewed with his mouth closed, so I’m glad I’ve always been a broader thinker. Nana, I know that wherever you are, you are proud.
Wait! A member of my team, sitting in the back with the non-famous people, is doing some kind of semaphore. I — What? — Ohhh! I forgot to mention Sven, who arranges my shoes in alphabetical order by brand. Sven, life would not be worth living without your daily infusion of joy.
There is music playing, which I know means I need to wrap up soon, so I will end by saying that there are other awards shows coming, and I sincerely hope that the voters in those contests will be as wise and inspirational as the voters in this one.
Also, to any members of my team that I’ve forgotten today: I promise I’ll squeeze you in when I win my next award. And there will be a next award. I’m sure of that.