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JOANNA WEISS

Clickbait? About catcalls? Nah. It’s just being honest.

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Oxford Dictionaries:

clickbait– INFORMAL

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(On the Internet) content, especially that of a sensational or provocative nature, whose main purpose is to attract attention and draw visitors to a particular web page.

New York Post headline, August 18

Hey, ladies — catcalls are flattering! Deal with it

Hey, ladies! Confession time. You clicked on it too this week: the much-shared, much-maligned manifesto of a woman who claims to adore being street-harassed by construction workers. Did she mean what she said? Every word of it, I’m sure. The key to success in writing these days is absolute, unvarnished honesty. No ulterior motives, attempts at self-promotion, or shameless plays for traffic.

For instance, here are some of the things I’ve been thinking about lately. Truly.

1) I am a better parent than you because I taught my child French while he was still in the womb, ate a diet consisting exclusively of raw carrots, minced onion, and soybean paste while pregnant, and breastfed for precisely six months without revealing the slightest amount of skin, even to the baby, who wore a small satin blindfold while nursing.

2) The correct way to find a husband is to a) go to a really elite college, b) find the wealthiest guy possible, and c) marry him immediately, inviting only rich people to your wedding. If you do not follow this exact course of action, you are wasting your education.

3) You know who made really terrible music? Beethoven.

4) If you don’t wear stiletto heels while riding your bicycle, then you must be one of those angry feminists.

5) I hate soccer. Also, bocce.

6) I am a better parent than you because I force my child to play the violin for six hours every day, check his fingers meticulously to make sure he’s forming the proper calluses, and speed the process along myself with premium, ultra-fine sandpaper. Also, I threw out that trophy he won in the Wee Maestros Toddler Violin Competition (category: 13-23 months), because trophies are for the weak.

7) When you think about it, Stalin really wasn’t all that bad, in certain ways.

8) You people with cat allergies need to get over it.

9) “Conscious uncoupling” is so March/April 2014. What we really need is “ferocious unraveling”: the art of unleashing your inner self by leaning out a window and shrieking, with the power of the goddess within, toward the verdant hills beside your country estate. DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS AT HOME WITHOUT THE HELP OF A PAID CONSULTANT.

10) My true diet confession: I was shamed by the way my daughter looked next to her peers at her exclusive private school — they were rocking Dussault Apparel Thrashed Denim jeans in child size 8, when they were actually age nine — so I imposed a daily boot camp regimen and barred all snacks that had come into contact with carbohydrates. This was particularly difficult during her school’s Tiramisu Appreciation Week, but we soldiered on — and now, she’s got the glutes to prove it!

11) Once, on a snow day, I let my kids watch 13 straight hours of “Full House” reruns. Here’s how it changed their lives — for the better.

12) Nine shocking things I learned when I gave up kale.

13) Hey, working women! Remember that bestseller about how we’re all driving ourselves crazy because we’re too busy striving in the office, training for triathalons, and honing our children’s fine-motor and oratorical skills? I just wanted to tell you that I was too busy to read it.

Joanna Weiss can be reached at weiss@globe.com. Follow her on Twitter @JoannaWeiss.
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