Opinion

A lighter take | Debra A. Klein

Help America avoid a shutdown

The Washington Monument, the Jefferson Memorial, rear, and the National Christmas Tree are visible as Marine One, with President Donald Trump aboard, arrives on the South Lawn of the White House in Washington, Saturday, Dec. 2, 2017, after Trump traveled to New York for a fundraising event. (AP Photo/Andrew Harnik)
AP Photo/Andrew Harnik
Marine One, with President Trump on board, flies over the National Christmas Tree en route to the White House on Dec. 2.

Now that they’ve tied the bows on their holiday tax gifts to corporations and one percenters, Republicans are scrambling to figure out a way to avoid a government shutdown by the end of the week. In the spirit of the season, maybe they should just try fundraising with one of those holiday solicitations that are clogging our in boxes. Here’s a template they can use:

Dear Person I haven’t communicated with all year,

If you are reading this now, then America matters to you. Or you inadvertently opened your spam filter. Or you’re trying to look busy to avoid a F2F. Or perhaps you’re bedridden and bored, maybe in a hospital. Remember when we tried to yank your health care? Ha ha, that was a riot!

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Anyway, whatever the reason, we’re glad you did. It shows you’re committed to the kind of country-having attitude we value, and it is on the basis of these shared values that we’re asking you to consider contributing at whatever level you can afford to America (unless you’re a millionaire, in which case, totes enjoy your vacay and the fresh sushi on the jet!).

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We’ve set up several membership levels and ask you to consider giving, but only if it cuts into your weekly take home pay. That is still how they exchange work for the funds you people use to purchase food and such, yes?

For each level, we have some attractive gifts researched and written by our staffers, who, we think, are still in touch with the little people.

Join at the “Poor slob level” and get a coupon for 20 percent off merchandise signed by James Comey at the FBI Spy Shop.

Consider a gift of the “Why would anyone ever trust again level’’ and you and a friend will receive personal tutoring from PhD students on any subject. Oh, make that former PhD students, as they’ll no longer be able to afford the taxes on their education.

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Or you can join at the “American Dream level” and be entered in a drawing to attend the royal wedding of Prince Harry to a genuine American commoner, one just like you, and perhaps it will inspire one of your little ones, as it’s their most realistic shot at improving their lot in life!

Thank you, good luck, and happy holidays!

Debra A. Klein is a writer in San Francisco. Follow her on Twitter @IWishIHad Typed.