110 Threadwillow Drive
Bluefish Cove, Mass.
Happy Holidays from our peripatetic, extended family! I’m sure you remember we are “plus one” now — Johanna’s darling little Jynx is playing on the floor right next to my desk!
[Good grief! Where is that obnoxious ferret? I hope she hasn’t stuck her finger in the socket again.]
It’s the time of year to count our blessings, and thank Whoever Is Up There for all the happy moments we have shared. Not every family is so lucky to have two solid breadwinners, like my husband Jon and our super-able son Jon-Jon, looking out for them. After years of solo entrepreneurship, my two men have pooled their formidable talents in a company already growing 100 times faster than Twitter could ever dream of!
[It’s been a perfect storm for my digital dirty tricksters. First the traitor Edward Snowden put everyone’s phone calls, texts, and tweets online, and then eBay started selling home version drones for $500. So the Jons launched the integrated BYOB (Be Your Own Bunker) home security system: fully weaponized, 24/7 “quadricopter” coverage of your quarter-acre lot, with blanket neighborhood surveillance thrown in.
Forget reading your daughter’s diary! Now you’re reading her texts, and her friends’ text, too, in real time. If her boyfriend starts acting a little brash, you can lay down a cloud of pepper spray outside his window; that’ll get his attention. “We’re putting the ‘home’ back in Homeland Security.” Love that motto. I came up with it myself.]
The only downside is, their company is so successful that my boys are always on the road! There’s even a chance they won’t be home for Christmas. Insert upside-down smiley face here . . .
[Right now they’re barracked underneath the polar bear “environment” in the Moscow Zoo. They say Snowden’s a cheery guy who entertains people with videos of his former pole dancer girlfriend. Whether Czar Vladimir will ever let them out of the country is another question entirely.
Putin does let my boys Fed-ex their Krugerrands back to Bluefish Cove, so at least Jynx and I aren’t eating cat food . . . Well, I’m not.]
Right now you’re wondering about my daughter Johanna. You know how a mother’s heart bleeds for the prodigal child. I’m so proud that she and her childhood friend Tawnee have their own YouTube channel. But they are so far away! Come home, little Sheba! Your mother loves you.
[Apparently the Nicobar Islands are the tax haven of choice for the adult entertainment industry. I’d like to think Tawnee led Johanna down the path to iniquity, but I suspect it’s the other way around. Reverse granny-dumping the daughter on me was a little much, frankly. I’d hire a private detective to track down the father, if I thought he lived in this solar system.]
But at least I have Jynx at home to remind me of my darling girl. I’m a stay-at-home Mom, again, and loving it! I closed down my home-based business last year and decided to devote myself full-time to raising my lovely granddaughter.
[It was really the public health authorities, aided by Obama’s storm troopers at the IRS, who shuttered my perfectly legitimate, home-brewed, artisanal vodka business, Local&Lethal.com. There was just the one unlucky incident with the 12-year-old . . . How was I supposed to know he was allergic to turpentine? Typical Big Government overreaction . . . Fox News championed me for one news cycle, but alas it wasn’t enough.
I pray every night for the Cheney restoration in the White House. Her bionic dad can be vice president; he knows which buttons to push.]
So that’s our happy news from Bluefish Cove! All warm wishes to you and your kin for a most Joye-ful New Year! From Joyce, Jon, Jon-Jon, Johanna, and the lovely baby Jynx! God Bless America!
[Where is that annoying doorstop? I hope she hasn’t climbed into the aquarium again . . . ]
Alex Beam’s column appears regularly in the Globe. He can be reached at email@example.com.