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ALTERNATIVE FACTS

This column may be kind of stupid from time to time, sure, fine; but let it never be said that it never taught you anything, because here it is, right now, directing you to a Twitter thread full of incredible facts about such things as porcupines (they have antibiotics in their skin for when they prick themselves, which is all the time!), Paris (there’s something called “Paris syndrome” that denotes the “extreme shock when Paris is not as good as you thought it would be"!), fat babies (they’re just full of water!), and ZZ Top (Frank Beard, the drummer, has no beard!). If I could add one, it’s that The Eagles don’t have a “The" (it’s just Eagles!). I trust that each of us feels smarter now and can move on.

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The 10-week-old golden retriever puppy with a small tail growing between his eyes, dubbed "Narwhal."
The 10-week-old golden retriever puppy with a small tail growing between his eyes, dubbed "Narwhal."Tyler Graef/The Southeast Missourian via AP

PUPPY LOVE

Oh wait, I forgot an amazing fact: Did you know that puppies can grow tails from their little puppy foreheads? It’s true. As proof, I present Narwhal, who is not just a puppy, but a rescue puppy, and not just a rescue puppy, but a rescue puppy with a little tail growing out of his head. Another fun fact? He is perfect and wants to be your friend. A slightly less fun fact. He cannot wag it. A semi-related fact: An actual narwhal tusk is actually just a massive tooth that grows through their upper lips (ow!) and contains 10 million nerve endings (so sensitive!), which is nowhere near as cute as a bonus tail. And one last fact: It is World Kindness Week, so what I’m getting at is everybody please be nice to Narwhal, OK?

LITTLE DEVIL

Speaking of adorable things with atypical features, if you happen to glance at your new baby monitor and discover that your little bundle of joy has suddenly developed the stark, empty eyes of a White Walker and presumably a corresponding hunger for human flesh, don’t panic just yet. As one briefly terrified parent realized and shared with Twitter, It may just be the baby monitor’s attempt at night-vision causing the eye thing, and your own wild imagination leaping to the human flesh part. If, on the other hand, the baby’s head begins slowly rotating and uttering strange poetry in a low, gravelly voice, simply ask Siri to ring your local pastor.

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George Kent leaves after testifying before the House Intelligence Committee on Capitol Hill in Washington on Nov. 13.
George Kent leaves after testifying before the House Intelligence Committee on Capitol Hill in Washington on Nov. 13.Jose Luis Magana/Associated Press

STAY THIRSTY

And lastly, how does one survive a grueling impeachment hearing with a reported lack of pizzazz? I guess we’re all about to find out, but in the meantime, participants may want to follow the example of George Kent, who was determined in last week’s hearings to not just tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but also to stay very well hydrated. The deputy assistant secretary of state dazzled watchers by routinely slugging from a 64 oz. Nalgene water bottle that somehow made way more of a statement than his spiffy bow tie (and yet, way less of a statement than his, well, statements). In any case, one last fact: “pizzazz” was coined by Harper’s editor Diana Vreeland in 1930 to refer to “an attractive combination of vitality and glamour" — and our man George? He’s got it.