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The secret texts of pets

Want to know what your animals think of your shelter-in-place behavior? We have the answer.

Ally Rzesa

You may think no one has noticed that you haven’t bothered to shower the past two days as you shelter-in-place to help avoid the spread of coronavirus. Eyes have also been judging the dirty dishes in the sink and your propensity for ordering Domino’s every night. Your animals have noticed something askew, and they’re talking about it behind your back. How do we know? We’ve secured a series of actual text messages between a pair of cats and a pair of dogs that sheds light on what they think of your slovenly behavior.

Ally Rzesa

Intercepted: A text exchange between Brookline feline Princess Superstar and her step-brother, Slacks the Cat of West Roxbury.

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Princess Superstar: My human is still at home. She’s normally out of here by now. Kind of getting in the way of my schedule.

Slacks: Both of the big humans and the three little humans are still in my house, and they won’t leave me alone. How am I supposed to get my 18 hours of sleep with all this noise?

Princess Superstar: It’s been three days, and she’s STILL here. I should have jumped on the counters about 30 times by now and slept in the basket of clean laundry. Not happy.

Slacks: The three little humans tried to put me in a dress today. What is happening?

Ally Rzesa

Princess Superstar: My human has worn the same pair of yoga pants for two days. I was all “Don’t you have any dignity?” Then I used the litter box.

Slacks: After a week of this, I decided to get up at 3 a.m. and scratch the faces of the humans. I thought if I woke them up early, they might finally leave the house. Instead they locked me in the basement.

Princess Superstar: Do you have the number for Sarah McLachlan, the woman who does the sad dog TV commercials? She might be able to help you.

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Slacks: I didn’t think things could get any worse. I was woken up at 2 in the afternoon, and then I was dangled in front of a computer screen like I was some kind of show dog. I was so upset I threw up on the rug. They locked me back in the basement : (

Princess Superstar: Slacks! I’m worried about my human. She’s still home after two weeks, sitting on my sofa surrounded by empty bags of microwave popcorn. She’s been awake for five hours watching something called “Tiger King.” I was all “Excuse me, I’m practically a tiger.”

Slacks: Now these people are talking about something called “social distancing.” Uh, duh, I’ve been trying to stay six feet away from humans for years.

Princess Superstar: Slacks! I just saw that a tiger got sick from the human virus. Do you have any feline surgical masks? I don’t want to catch anything from these dirty animals.

Ally Rzesa

Intercepted: A text exchange between Standard Toy Poodle Bailey of Back Bay and dog park companion Luna, also of Back Bay.

Bailey: OMG you’re so right about the “jargon." The human spends his whole day sitting at his desk, staring at a grid of people on his computer and shouting “going forward,” “optics,” “pivot.” He thinks no one at work likes him. This may be why.

Luna: If I hear “circle back” one more time I’m going to take my tags off and run away. And I won’t be circling back.

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Bailey: Does your person snack all the time? I gain two pounds, and suddenly it’s no treats, no matter how cute I look, and meanwhile he doesn’t even fit into his jeans anymore, only wears sweatpants.

.Ally Rzesa

Luna: I never thought I’d say this, but I’m being taken on too many walks. They use me to get out of the house.

Bailey: I’m in all day, except for bathroom breaks. It’s like I’m in prison. I’ve started holding in my pee on the walk so we have to go around the block again. Hahahaha

Luna: Is it just me, or is it crazy to fight over how to load the dishwasher in a pandemic?

Bailey: I’m going to sound like him, but I’m starting to think that people don’t like *me.* Remember how it used to be for me on a walk, with people clambering to kiss me and asking where he got me and joking about taking me home? Now people literally cross the street to get away from me.

Ally Rzesa

Luna: Oh, get this: the adult female got so panicky that she bought a second freezer and fridge, and the college kid who’s somehow home all day every day, asks, with a straight face, “Mom, do we have any food?”

Bailey: You know how I used to go crazy when the doorbell rang (when I was a puppy). Well, now he’s the one who freaks out. Like the grim reaper is at the door.

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Christopher Muther can be reached at christopher.muther@globe.com. Follow him on Twitter @Chris_Muther. Beth Teitell can be reached at beth.teitell@globe.com. Follow her on Twitter @bethteitell.