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We used to be friends, Maine

I have no idea who Janet Mills is (she's the governor of Maine, apparently) but she just messed with the wrong Masshole.

A sign advising people to "Put on Your Mask" is in the middle of a crosswalk in downtown Ogunquit. For Massachusetts visitors, that's not quite enough.
A sign advising people to "Put on Your Mask" is in the middle of a crosswalk in downtown Ogunquit. For Massachusetts visitors, that's not quite enough.Jim Davis/Globe Staff

Bean boots. Black flies. Bad beards.

I used to think you were kinda cute, Maine. Amusing even.

Heck, I’d go so far as to say we were friends, even though that weird little sliver of New Hampshire has always tried to keep us apart.

Those days are over. What you just did to the great state of Massachusetts can never be undone.

You just announced to the entire world that every person in Massachusetts has the cooties.

I didn’t know your government did anything except run a lottery for moose hunting permits, but out of nowhere you issue these new guidelines aimed squarely at your better-looking neighbors to the south.

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Here’s what I’m all worked up about: You’ve been letting out-of-state visitors from New Hampshire and Vermont just waltz in the door and eat an overpriced lobster roll like the coronavirus never happened.

Then on Wednesday you added New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut — New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut!!! — to that list.

But Massachusetts . . . the place that keeps slashing all the key metrics that are, like, super key . . . well, we are required to quarantine for 14 days when we cross the Maine border to hang out.

If we don’t want to do that — and who wouldn’t? — then we need to prove we don’t have the cooties by finding a place that will give us a COVID-19 test even if we’re perfectly healthy. Because there are a ton of those places floating around and that’s not at all a waste of resources.

This is all part of the “Keep Maine Healthy Plan” of Governor Janet Mills. I don’t know anything about her, and frankly I thought Maine got rid of the office of governor after the last clown, Paul LePage, said that incredibly racist thing about how drug dealers “come from Connecticut and New York” and “half the time they impregnate a young, white girl before they leave, which is a real sad thing because then we have another issue we have to deal with down the road.”

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Apparently now Connecticut and New York are cool, but Massachusetts is the coronavirus dealer coming up to infect all your women?

Fine, Mills. Have it your way. I’m sure tourists from Massachusetts aren’t a central part of your economy or anything. Hope that potato harvest up in Aroostook County comes through for you.

Newsflash: you don’t need to go to Maine to find Maine. We have our own rocky coasts and freezing water and crazy accents. And I’ll never understand why everyone gets so excited about Portland. It’s just Somerville for hipsters who can’t afford Cambridge. Same stupid beards and Bean boots.

Not to mention that, um, we have lobsters here, Mills. You do realize the Gulf of Maine does not stop at the New Hampshire border, don’t you?

I’ve never actually eaten a lobster because who has that kind of money? But this is war, Mills, and I am going to spend my entire weekend eating Massachusetts lobster and expensing it to the Globe as “research.”

It’s on, Mills. It’s on.


Billy Baker can be reached at billy.baker@globe.com. Follow him on Twitter @billy_baker.