All you parents throughout the land, you must obey Uncle Sam’s command!
He needs you. Well, not really you.
And not really Uncle Sam. Uncle Donald.
He wants them back in school this fall. At their desks. In their seats.
You are no doubt worried about whether, in these times of the coronavirus pandemic, they’ll truly be safe. Well, as a former president might have put it, that depends on what the meaning of the word safe is.
There are, after all, several kinds of safe. There’s super safe, but we can afford that golden circle of safety only for our political royalty. Fortunately, it isn’t the only level.
There’s also as safe as possible in an iffy situation, like a hiker crouching in a ravine during a lightning storm.
And safer than do-it-yourself bungee jumping.
And of course, safer than diving into the Andrea Doria shipwreck.
Who will decide on the right level, you ask? Why, the nation’s premier safety expert!
No, not Dr. Anthony Fauci. That old killjoy wants states where COVID-19 cases are surging to shut down again. And no, not the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
We discovered that on Wednesday, when the president said the CDC wasn’t being practical about protecting your kids. The guidelines were too tough and expensive, he tweeted. So now, the CDC will issue additional guidelines, which will probably take into account the president’s concerns.
“We don’t want the guidance from CDC to be a reason why schools don’t open,” Vice President Mike Pence said. No, we don’t. Just the way we don’t want those pesky shark alerts keeping your kids from splashing about in the surf this summer.
In case you’re wondering whether Trump is knowledgeable enough to decide, please be aware that his erudition is wide-ranging. Although he’s too modest to list everything he’s an expert on, by his own admission, he knows more about government, TV ratings, debt, taxes, lawsuits, politicians, social media, campaign finance, the visa system, trade, renewable energy, money, infrastructure, borders, Democrats, construction, the economy, technology, and drones than just about anyone else in the world.
Which is why Pence admires him so. Hailing from a state full of good but simple Hoosiers, he had never known a bona fide genius until he met Mr. Trump. So forgive him if he seems awestruck around the president.
I realize that, for some of you particularly fretful parents, the president’s previous assertions that the coronavirus would simply disappear may have raised doubts about his judgment. But rest assured: It will go away. Like all such novel coronaviruses, however, it wants to travel the country and see the sights and maybe kill a few hundred thousand people first.
I also know there’s a rumor that states that followed the president’s advice on reopening have seen big spikes in COVID-19 cases and hospitalizations.
If that had happened, surely it would be all over Fox News, right? Besides, people in those states caught COVID-19 in bars and on the beaches, where everyone forgets social distancing and gets too close together. School children would never do that, of course.
So make plans to get those precious kiddos back in the classroom, as your president wants. A word to the wise: If their school doesn’t reopen, he’ll try to cut their funding. Why is he making such tweet-threats in these troubled times? Luckily, CNN’s Kaitlan Collins asked Pence that very question. His answer: The president is providing the leadership necessary to get America’s kids back to school “because that’s where they belong.”
After all, we can’t have them falling behind in their education the way, say, Trump has fallen behind Democratic nominee-to-be Joe Biden.
The best way to take care of that is get them back at their desks and you parents back at yours and the economy back going Biden-busters — um, gangbusters — again.
So don’t worry, the president knows what’s at stake.
Trust him. He’ll keep your family safe.
You can bet your life on it.
Or your kids, anyway.