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Looking for Tinder to ignite a spark

Q. I’m a 25-year-old gay man. I’ve dated, but no long-term relationship, yet.

Recently, a Tinder match and I hit it off pretty quickly. We decided to meet, in spite of whatever coronavirus fears either of us had.

He was fantastic: handsome, kind, funny, successful, my own age, and local. He wasn’t afraid to talk about wanting to have a family someday, which is important to me.

I usually only go out with someone from Tinder once or twice before one of us decides it won’t work, but this match and I went out five times within a month. I thought we might have something good going!


After the last time we went out, though, he told me he thought we were looking for different things, and that while he thought I was a nice guy, he didn’t think we were a match.

Now I can’t seem to shake the thought of him. A month isn’t a very long time, but I like him better than I have liked anyone else before. Unwanted messages would only push him further away, but I want so badly to ask for another chance.

What’s the etiquette around that? Should I wait a certain amount of time before reaching out again? (Six months? A year?) Or just forget about it?


A. First, let’s add COVID to the list of things a person should be tested for when choosing to meet and date a new person. I won’t lecture you about your choice, but, well, it’s a roll of the dice.

Your dating experience is extremely common, and the answer is for you to glean whatever lessons you can, and then move on with a determination to apply those lessons the next time you match with someone. One thing you’ve learned is how it feels to be really interested in someone. That is a plus!


It is possible that you did everything right and your date was being completely honest with you regarding his choice to part. It is also possible that he continued to match with other people while you two were seeing each other and he simply met a new person that he preferred over you. This is tough to take, but human attraction defies logic, which is what makes it seem so magical.

Your friend has made his choice and he has been kind about conveying it to you.

There is no etiquette surrounding asking someone for a second chance, partly because — in this context — you really should not do it (certainly not right away). If you continue to feel this way after several months, then you could get in touch to check in and see how he is doing (don’t ask outright for a second chance). Based on his response, you would know quickly if the dynamic had shifted.

Q. I’m a 55-year-old man. After no contact for 13 years, three years ago I reconnected with my ex-wife. We started hanging out, going out and spending time together. Last month, I moved into her house. This week, she told me she has no interest in sexual intimacy. I’ve been sleeping in a separate room. I love and care about her, but I still need and desire sexual intimacy.

I’m so disappointed and depressed. I’ve spent over $6,500 on her place since I moved back. I wonder if I’m in savior mode. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life frustrated.


How do I get past this without hurting her and ruining my (great) relationship with our two kids (in their 20s)?


A. You have happily reconnected with your family, but if you are depressed and unhappy living in the household, then you should move out — but stay connected.

You and your ex seem to have previously severed all ties for over a decade, but I hope you have learned that you two are capable of maintaining a loving friendship. You should do this, however, from a distance.

Q. I couldn’t believe the letter from “Making Change,” the poor little snowflake who didn’t like an “Underground Railroad” game she played in gym class years ago.

Doesn’t she know that the Underground Railroad assisted escaping slaves? Will she be happy when she gets this teacher fired?


A. “Making Change,” a PhD candidate, was well aware of the importance of the Underground Railroad. In retrospect, she objected to this dangerous, heartbreaking, and important historical experience being gamified, and I completely agree with her.

Amy Dickinson can be reached at askamy@amydickinson.com.