First we get the 2020 Red Sox.
Where is Trent Dilfer when you need him? It’s times like this we need a national pro football analyst to declare that the Patriots aren’t good anymore.
If football games were matched with calendar years, Sunday’s Patriot debacle vs. the San Francisco 49ers would be 2020.
Jimmy Garoppolo (Why Can’t We Get Players Like That?) and the Sons of Joe Montana demolished the once-proud Pats, 33-6, at Gillette. It was the most-lopsided home loss of the two-decade Bill Belichick era. This one was so bad that Patriot-loving CBS didn’t even give us the “let’s fawn all over Bob Kraft” shot from the owner’s box.
What the network did supply was an occasional update from Las Vegas where Buccaneers quarterback/general manager Tom Brady (WCWGPLT?) was carving up the Raiders with a TD run and four touchdown passes, including a spike-inducing strike to Rob Gronkowski (WCWGPLT?). WBZ’s Bob Lobel and his Panic Button should have come out of retirement for this one.
It was a day of revenge for Club Brady and a Halloween nightmare for Kraft and Belichick — men responsible for letting Brady go to Tampa and trading dreamy Jimmy G to San Francisco.
With Brady gone, Patriots lonely boy Julian Edelman, one of the few holdovers from the golden days, wasn’t targeted until late in the third when he deflected Newton’s errant pass into the arms of 49er Jamar Taylor.
That was Newton’s final pass of a horrible day. Like a hockey goalie down 6-1 in the third period, Newton was mercifully excused and replaced by Jarrett Stidham. Newton was 9 for 15 for 98 yards and three interceptions. It was the Patriots worst day of quarterbacking since three weeks ago when Brian Hoyer stunk up Arrowhead Stadium.
Adding insult to injury, the Pats got pantsed by a Harvard guy, Niner fullback Kyle Juszczyk (one touchdown, several pancake blocks), who lived in the quad at Pforzheimer House in his Cambridge days. San Francisco did not punt until the 56th minute of play.
The Pats trailed, 30-6, when Stidham took over in the third minute of the fourth quarter. In his first series, Stid face-planted after tripping over the foot of his own center. Then he was intercepted — another pass targeted for Edelman.
If you’re keeping score at home, the Patriots have 11 turnovers in their last three games. They have lost three straight, eight of 12, and are 6-9 dating to late last season. They just lost back-to-back home games in successive weeks for the first time since 2006.
Going into Sunday’s game, there was regional hope that the Patriots were a good team, possibly a playoff contender. They were 2-point favorites against the Niners. Every Globe prognosticator picked New England to win and I like to think we are not a fanboy crew (say goodbye to my 13-3 preseason pick).
Now it feels like all hope is gone. The Pats (2-4) just had their first winless October since 2002 and are 2½ games behind the Buffalo Bills as they prepare to play in Orchard Park.
The NFL trade deadline is Nov. 3. The notion of the Patriots as sellers is no longer preposterous. Maybe it’s time for Belichick to give Chaim Bloom a call for tips on tanking and selling assets. How long before we see our first “Tank For Trevor” bumper stickers?
It’s hard to believe that just a few short weeks ago the Pats almost won in Seattle, then kept the Super Bowl champion Chiefs out of the end zone until late in the third quarter in Week 4 at Kansas City.
When Sunday’s carnage was complete, Belichick delivered a brief opening statement, then took seven questions, starting four of his answers with “I just did that” … " I just said that in my opening statement" … “I think I already covered that,” and "As I’ve already said several times … "
The Hoodie’s top takeaway: "We didn’t perform well enough in any area. "Coaching, playing, offense, defense, special teams, running, passing, defending the run, defending the pass, ball security, tackling, blocking. None of it was good enough. Maybe I left something out, but we’ve got to do a better job across the board."
Belichick said Newton would be his starter next weekend against the Bills. Newton maintains that his throwing shoulder is "fine."
While Cam goes up against the Bills, Jimmy G will be in Seattle for a big division game, while Brady and Co. will be warming up for “Monday Night Football” against the Giants on election eve.
For 20 years we’ve mocked the stupidity and ineptitude of Patriot opponents. No more. In 2020, Brady and Jimmy G are playing in the big games while Belichick and Kraft look like the dopes.
It is late October of 2020 and the Patriots have become the Tomato Cans.
More Patriots coverage
- Three and counting: Patriots' struggles continue in blowout loss to 49ers
- Chad Finn: Thirteen thoughts on the Patriots' historic loss to the 49ers
- N’Keal Harry’s day cut short after suffering head injury following catch