It’s all so despicable, so unjust.
The Six Feet Deep State is persecuting our beloved president.
Sure, they tell us, 227,000 people have died of COVID on his watch, and more will be buried, as vindictive scientists try to convince us cases are spiking for a third time. But can’t we move on? Why must we keep talking about the dead?
Or, as our greatest and most manly leader so eloquently put it this week:
“Everything is COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID. … You turn on the news, COVID, COVID.”
Exactly. Why are the haters so obsessed with this virus? Why do the Enemies of the People keep asking about it in interviews? As anyone who listens to the president knows, millions of Americans have not died of COVID, thanks to his inspired leadership. How about we talk about them? Also, we are “rounding the turn” on the pandemic, which has also been “defeated” according to his science policy office.
Also, COVID is no big deal.
“I mean, I got it and I’m here,” the president told the faithful at one of this week’s rallies. “We have great medicines and therapeutics. The first lady got it … you know who else got it? Barron. My very tall son.”
Also, the president is “a perfect physical specimen.” He was joking when he said that, but genetics count, as he recently reminded fans in Duluth, Minn. “You have good genes, you know that, right?” he told the faithful there, whom he also warned about being overrun with Somali refugees if he wasn’t reelected. “It’s the racehorse theory.”
Some in the lying media seized on this eugenics rhetoric to accuse the president of being a white supremacist, but nothing could be further from the truth. He just wants to protect his overwhelmingly white devotees, and our beautiful suburbs, from people who don’t share our … values. Any suggestion to the contrary is itself racist.
Our president leads by brave example, and we follow, rejecting the effeminate tyranny of masks and cramming right up against each other at his rallies.
It is so worth the risk. Even if we do catch it, the president assures us that 99 percent of us will be hunky-dory, given the low death rate. Those lying scientists say the rate is probably close to 2.6 percent, but who believes them? Like the president said in Wisconsin on Saturday, doctors are lying about COVID deaths “to get more money.” One in a hundred dying is obviously teeny, especially if that person isn’t you. We’ll take those odds, because we really love being with this president. And he loves being with us.
Why else would he be doing so many rallies in these final weeks? Sure, he burned through close to a billion dollars in campaign funds, millions magically disappeared like he told us the virus would. So he needs to earn free media by holding giant rallies in swing states. And sometimes he’s not super crazy about that, like when he had to visit Erie, Pa., last week, because COVID, and only COVID, is making him work for the second term he already had in the bag.
“I have to be honest,” he told his crowd, “there was no way I was coming.”
That won’t turn off his fans in Erie, or anywhere else. We love that he tells it like it is!
Our beloved leader once said he could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and not lose us voters. But 2020 shows we’re even more devoted than that: He could give us a potentially lethal virus — lots of us — and we would still love him. Why, at his rally in Nebraska on Wednesday night, we gladly risked not just COVID, but hypothermia too, as thousands of us crowded together for hours waiting for buses to take us back to our cars. Some of us were even taken to the hospital. The coastal elites are saying that’s the perfect metaphor for this presidency, making us risk our lives for his photo op, then stranding us in the cold for hours, but Real America knows different. One woman told the Omaha World-Herald she’d do it all over again.
“It was absolutely an adventure,” she said.
This COVID conspiracy won’t ever come between us. Until death do us part? Not even then.