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Love Letters

She’s 63 and in lust with her boyfriend. But he’s not as fired up

Is it time for her to move on?

Submit your questions for Meredith here.

Q. I am a 63-year-old woman, five years divorced, and finally in a relationship for the past seven months. Prior to this current love interest, I went out on dates with approximately 25 different men, no more than three dates with each. My friends tell me they are amazed at how I can continue to date. It is exhausting.

I just want something long term. I was with my ex-husband for 34 years, and I really hate being alone. (I work in information technology so I am working at home, too.) The man I’m with now is my age. I am totally and utterly in lust with him (not in love . . . at least I don’t think I am), but his feelings toward me are not always as enthusiastic and it’s making me really sad all of the time. I know this is not healthy for me. How can I end it and move on when it’s hard to meet men at my age and during COVID-19? Thanks for your help.

– Enthusiastic

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A. Sometimes relationships feel one-sided and then they flip. Maybe the honeymoon period ends for one person, but the other experiences a new wave of excitement. I think it’s just a balance.

Ask yourself whether this problem has been there from the start. If he was more affectionate in the beginning and he’s capable of showing that lusty feeling you like, it might be worth having a talk about your needs. Also, telling him about your lusty feelings might boost the affection. It’s pretty flattering.

My point is that you might want to make sure you’ve communicated how you like to be treated, what you like to hear from a significant other, etc. Also ask him how he feels, in general. COVID-19—and the state of the world—is affecting people in so many ways. Maybe he’s not at his best and feels preoccupied. Perhaps he misses seeing other people in his life.

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If you’ve had those talks and are sure this won’t work, yes, end it. It’ll be tough to be alone, but you can line up virtual quality time with friends and family. Also, it’s not a terrible time to do therapy work, if you need it. The phrase “sad all of the time” made me wonder what else might be happening and whether it might be helpful to learn some ways to feel good about being by yourself. Something to think about.

– Meredith

READERS RESPOND

I don’t see why you need to end it, you seem to care about him. I would see how this plays out. I would personally give this more time. LEFTYLUCY

Start finding peace with being alone, and then you will stop settling for adequate relationships. HEYITHINK

It’s better to be alone and lonely than with the wrong person. That is twice as lonely. ASH

She hasn’t really said anything to indicate that this is the wrong person. Her concern is that their enthusiasm is not perfectly balanced, which could just be an error in perception. GOODFORTHEM

Give yourself a chance to enjoy life as a single lady who’s able to line up 25 guys at 63! You’ve got something going on! JACQUISMITH

Catch Season 4 of Meredith Goldstein’s Love Letters podcast at loveletters.show, or wherever you listen.

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