Q. I’m 20 years old. I attended college an hour and a half away from home, going home just about every weekend to see my family. Then I got into a relationship with a man who lives two hours away from my family.
I have lived with my boyfriend for about a year now, and it has been extremely difficult being away from all my family and friends. I tend to get jealous of my boyfriend having all his family and friends here, and me not having mine.
I love and adore my boyfriend and we have plans for the future, but I don’t want to live where we are now. I don’t want to ask him to move to where I’m from because I feel like he will resent me and feel the way I do now. I want there to be a middle ground — but how do I know what that is? He wants to stay here because we currently live in his parents’ home. It’s their first home and they are immigrants from another country. It’s difficult for my family to drive out here. I need advice on middle grounds.
A. A middle ground, eventually, could be the most literal spot on the map — living in the place that’s equidistant from your two communities. But what might be a better plan for now is calling one place home base, but doing extensive stays at a second location. Perhaps you could call your boyfriend’s parents’ house your primary address, but both of you could spend weekends with your parents and enjoy the community over there (when it’s COVID safe).
Or ... maybe you’d be better off going back to what I assume was the old arrangement — driving to see your boyfriend, maybe on weekends, but living with your parents most of the time.
The big thing is that you can’t make future plans with this man without addressing how you’ll balance each other’s needs. When you talk about what life will look like years from now, does it involve both families? Is he open to leaving his family when you need to be around your people? All relationships involve compromise and some sacrifice, but right now it seems lopsided, and it sounds like you haven’t told him how much that bothers you.
Maybe it was too soon to move in. Regardless, it’s time to talk about all of it because you’re not supposed to have to find this middle ground on your own.
You miss your family because you are barely out of your teen years and should not be living with your boyfriend. Move home and see your boyfriend on the weekends. After a few months of this, you will realize he isn’t the one for you and you will find someone else. Then you will do that again several times throughout your 20s until you meet a nice man who you will marry. Good luck!
You are 20 years old. You have a lot of growing up to do. The middle ground is that you probably shouldn’t have moved in together. I get that young adults have different relationships with their families than Gen Xers do, but why are you living with a guy if you’d rather just be with your family all the time? Focus on college and developing yourself as an adult.
Going off to college is supposed to expose you to a larger world and help you segue into adulthood. Going home every weekend defeats that purpose. If you want to remain forever in your childhood home, then move home and find a boyfriend from your hometown who also wants to remain there. But you’ll be far happier in the long run if you learn to build your own life and make new friends.
Sorry, but if you are afraid to discuss where to live with your boyfriend, you are not ready to be in this serious a relationship.
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