Q. I’ve been dating a wonderful guy for the past few months. He makes me so happy and I can feel myself really falling for him (and I’m pretty sure he’s falling for me too). His last relationship moved super fast and ended up imploding, so he wants to take it slow with us to avoid repeating that mistake. Which is fine with me — in theory. I’ve read all the articles saying that moving slow is the way to go and builds a stronger relationship.
What bothers me is how much time we spend together. We only see each other once a week and there have been times when we’ve both been free and he’d rather be alone. I’ve tried to rationalize why this might be (besides the moving slow thing): We live and work almost an hour away from each other so the after-work commute is a strain. He’s also going through a busy period with family and work right now, so he needs downtime to recover. When we’re together, it’s really good quality time. No phones, no TV, just spending time getting to know each other. And we talk and text every single day! So I’m getting exactly what I need in this relationship! But I want MORE time. And I can’t seem to fully rationalize my time-jealous heart that everything is OK and that this pace is actually good for us both.
I JUST WANT TO TAKE HIS TIME
A. “But I want MORE time.”
That’s OK! This pace has been great for a while. But ... you can talk about growing what you have.
Does he ever wish you were around, even for some TV time, on a second night? Is that worth trying, just to see how it feels? If you spend part of a night texting or calling him, you’re already on each other’s minds. Bring up some new ideas — because you’re ready.
I don’t think a second night of in-person interaction — if he’s willing to have it — means you’re speeding toward implosion. You’re at the point where you want to know more about him. You want to know what it’s like to be disengaged but in his company. Again, there’s nothing wrong with that.
Because if he’s not in a place where he can give you any more of his hours — if he wants to keep you separate from all of those life stresses — this isn’t going to go very far. He might not be in a place for partnership, and that’s OK too. But it is something to know. Maybe, because of timing, it’s not a match.
I guess I’m saying that it’s lovely you’re being patient, and I absolutely understand his need for space and downtime. But it would be nice to make small changes to see what happens. If that’s a no-go in his mind, you’ll need to make choices.
All you can do is have a conversation with him. He has told you how he feels, and you want more. I get that. It won’t hurt to ask if he is open to another night out during the week.
I love spending time with my husband ... but sometimes I just want to go to Target by myself.
It might just be that he’s an introvert and you’re an extrovert. If so, this is something you’ll have to learn to deal with for the entirety of the relationship.
A few months in is not long at all. Slow your roll.
Some commenters are going to tell you to not focus so much on the relationship and spend more time living your own life, but if after a few months the pace isn’t evolving, just recognize that the relationship isn’t meeting your needs and move on.
I hope that he’s sincere about taking it slowly. That said, after a few months, most guys either want to end things or they want more time together (for the sex AND for other stuff). Yellow flag.
Send your own relationship and dating questions to email@example.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.